Recently, though, I've started to have the exact opposite of being afraid of my life. I've been heavily depressed and suicidal for about two years now and I've been hospitalized (against my will, mind you) because I've shown a complete disregard for my life and safety in general. The way I see it, you have to like something in order to be afraid of having it taken away from you... :dunno:
You know, I've definitely gone through that before. Come to think of it, half of the guys that I know who rig got there for the same reason. I mean, normal, happy people with fulfilling lives would likely not even consider walking on a beam 90+ feet in the air and pulling 100 pounds of chain to fasten to the beam they're standing on just so a show can happen. I've developed a "Who would even give a fuck?" attitude, which really does free you up in terms of what you're willing to do. I've never been hospitalized, but I've definitely had suicidal thoughts in the past.
One time, when I was in high school, I downed the remainder of a bottle of Vicodin, about 18 500 mg pills, and then tried to go to sleep. That was when I realized that the girl whom I had thought of as my best friend was actually someone that I loved very dearly, not just as a friend. It took several hours, or so it seemed, of reflection to realize that if I went through with what I had started I would never see Rachelle again, and that was agonizing enough for me to actually regain the will to live, however marginally. I dragged myself to the bathroom and made myself throw up the contents of my stomach in the toilet.
Now I look back at that and wonder if I did the right thing. You see, this girl whom I had known for half of my life, and had thought of as the love of my life for almost a decade, to whom I had literally given everything I had, the one whose religion I had adopted because she wouldn't marry anyone who wasn't of her faith, the one whose parents had referred to me as a second son, the one for whom I would've bent over backwards for, showed me that loving someone not only makes you vulnerable, but it makes you their puppet. About 2 or 3 years ago, more or less, probably more, since I don't think I was yet a member of Freeones, I tried to give her a diamond ring. We had spoken about marriage several times before, and, though we hadn't explicitly agreed that we were gonna get married, it seemed clear that we would be together. Anyway, long story short, when I proposed to her, she rejected me, saying that she only saw me as a friend, and that she should've made that clear when she started seeing the signs years ago, but that she had gotten too comfortable with everything I did for her. She subsequently stopped talking to me, claiming that she didn't wanna hurt me any more than she already had. I guess what hurt the most was that everyone who knew us could see that I would've been the most devoted guy she could've found, yet she failed to see that.
So, yeah, ever since that I've stopped really caring enough to be afraid. Whatever.
