Separation

[Montrealman]

Ok, in my case my girlfriend did not cheat in the conventional sense.
She developped a fling for some moron manipulator. We are both very busy, I have two jobs and school, she has one job and full time school.
Recently, I'd noticed that maybe we were driffting a little bit apart and I wanted to take the time off from the holidays to talk about it, spend some cool quality time together and work it out, because I love her to death and if there had to be changes on anyone's part I wanted to make sure to make those changes because I don't want t lose her. Well about one week 1/2 ago she went to this school party to celebrate with her classmates. At midnight she called this guy and went to his house. She got home at 5am.
I stayed up until 3am waiting for her really nervous and super worried. She doesn't have a cellphone and I didn't have the number to reach her at. I even gave her money so she could grab a cab.

Anyhow, the next morning she woke me up to tell me. I freaked, I lost it. I felt super betrayed. She said she did not kiss him fuck him or anything like that. They talked about their feelings for each other and how weird that was.
She said I didn't deserve that and she came back home.
I spent the holidays completely alone. I was in no mood to go see my family and bring everyone down. I also didn't go to her parents' place eventhough they still invited me and told me to hang in there.
Tonight she called me to tell me she missed me a lot and might come back home tomorrow. I asked her if she had thought about the situation and if she would focus on us. All last week I pleaded to her to stay and work things out.
I could have said fuck you I deserve MUCH better than this but I don't want to push her away. She said she's thinking of moving to her folks' place for a few months to think things through. Folks in your opinion should I go along for this shit ride? I've been there before and in my opinion if she leaves I think it's the beginning of the end. I don't eat or sleep anymore. I'm not productive at work either. So anyhow tonight she said if the problem was just her and I it would be easier to focus, I asked her if he's still on her mind, she said yeah and doesn't understand because she doesn't know him, not physically attracted to him and said she loves me to death. I'm so confused right now. I even said to her, be clear Babe, if you want to pursue thins fling with this guy go for it but you will lose me forever, it's your loss.
Then she said she never wants to lose me. I said I simply cannot just be friends.
I need serious opinions on this. I know what I did on my part for losing her a bit, I got boring and we never saw each other but if she's thinking of another guy I think I've already lost. Every moment I'm home I can't wait to see her, I miss her terribly but I won't tell her that. I'm taking a step back and trying to be cool. She said no one would ever do what I'm doing for her, she calls me a jewel, a pearl (she's the pearl IMO). I then said what happens if you pursue this with this dickhead and then you do the same to him? I mean Goddamnit don't I deserve a better opportunity and chance at making this work? She says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever known, I make her laugh like no one and she sees evrything I'm doing as a positive. Also, all of her friends and family all have different opinions on it so that doesn't help. Tonight she even said every time we speak it helps her put things in perspective. In no way do I want to trick her into staying with me, I will not and cannot manipulate her. I respect and love her.

I'm fucked.

Awaiting help here.
Thanks everyone. LadyLove I think I need your help here.\

MM


This was last night.

I've been up for 26 hours. I can't sleep or eat.
My confidence is super low.
She's at her Mom's and I phoned her telling her I need to speak with her in person. I said I'm about to make a huge decision and I need to see before making that decision.
Last night I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, with the intention of asking her to stay with me while we figure it out. I'm at a point where I cannot function. I spent the holidays completely alone and I simply can't do this any longer. I will ask her to read the letter and then I'm afraid to but I feel I have no choice but to give her the ultimatum. It has been almost 2 weeks since this has begun and I need closure.

A huge part of me says stay cool, give her all the space and time she needs. Another part of me says time never fixed anything, it's what you do with that time that counts. She's even willing to get a new job so to not see this guy anymore and I really appreciate that, but if she decides to move out for a period of three months then I don't see how we could fix this.

Should I do what I don't want to do to get closure or do I just stay cool and again take a risk of losing her. I understand the set them free and if it was meant to be thing. I do. But I'm freaking out as my life took a turn for shambles.

Help please.

MM

 

[D-rock]

Maybe you should get some sleep. A lot to the times you will think clearer once you sleep on something.

As far as the other stuff I feel awkward giving you advice. This seems like it might be an important decision for you, and I don't know if anybody else should be making it for you. More importantly I don't even know if you know what you want yet so trying to come up with something where I don't even know what you want out of it is even harder. I will say that you should eventually go either one way or the other. I don't think continually trying to play the middle route that isn't working will work out and suddenly everything will be fixed. I think you're going to have to figure out if you want to still be with her after everything that has happened and how she feels or if you don't. I also think sooner or later you will also need a strait answer from her. It all depends on hot patient you want to be for her to come up with her answer. Just think things though and come up with the best and right decision for you. I don't know if it's even possible for anybody else to do that for you.

 

[Montrealman]

D-Rock thanks man. I know only I can make one more or the other but I wanted some input from someone.

Right now I'm too jolted to sleep. I actually feel fine and calm.
I want to tell her everything I mentioned earlier but I need to do it calmly, she deserves that much. We got some free movie tickets so maybe I'll just invite her to do that first and take it from there. I'm also going to take off for the weekend, maybe that will help both of us.

Thanks again D, it means a lot.

 

[negator]

this is a dark time, and words of comfort and encouragement will shatter on the cave wall, so i will not waste those here. reading this situation from purely your perspective, the words in your post, all i have to go on, i'd say end it. the indication is that your relationship has been evaporating for some time. to her credit, she seems to be very open about the whole thing. it seems to me, considering that she admits a mysterious attraction to this other guy, and considering her support network is giving her mixed signals, that this was over some weeks ago, maybe more.
i'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear. i want to echo D-rock's advice. sleep, relax, think rationally. go for a walk. the puzzle pieces will fall into place when you are calm.:2 cents:

 

[Legzman]

I dunno if it will help, but my ex actually cheated on me after being together for 4 years. We were engaged and starting to make wedding plans.

I won't tell you what to do. As you still have a chance to keep her. I will tell you this. Take your time! Trust me, time heals. It's been almost 4 years now since I left her. It does get easier with time, regardless of what happens! Even though I know you don't think so now.

If nothing else whatever you decide to do it'll be something you talk about with her. I didn't have that luxury and trust me...the pain, the betrayal, the depression...all of whatever else I was feeling was all made that much worse. Just because I wasn't given any kind of chance to work anything out with her, when I thought everything was just fine between us. I was blindsided.

Take comfort in knowing it could be a hell of a lot worse! I dunno if that helps at all. But maybe?

 

[mongo18]

Seems to me that the first thing she needs to work out is whether she truly 100% wants to save the relationship. Ask her that, but don't accept whatever she just blurts out right away, let her think on it. Once you have an honest answer to that question, the rest will be easy.

 

[anomaly]

It's obvious that you have feelings for this girl but from what you have written I'm not certain her feeling are as strong as yours. She seems confused about where she wants to be you do not deserve that. You have made it clear how you feel so only thing left for you to do is start dating. I think everyone here has gone through a tough time in a relationship and sometimes you have to be man enough to walk away. You love her and that's great but love should be returned. Spend some time with other women. It doesn't have to be about sex but it may open up a world of opportunity for you.

 

[Montrealman]

Hey guys thanks a lot for all of your help.
I just got back tonight and she made it clear that she loves me in a super big way, never met anyone like and never will....but her heart isn't into it.
She stayed with a guy for 4 years and he beat the shit out of her and he got more chances than me.
She wants to be alone and concentrate on her school and work but she says she doesn't want to neglect me and I did nothing wrong.
I asked for a second chance and she said no.
I have no trust in women, no faith in love and I again lose everything that matters to me because whenever she had doubts or mixed feelings she didn't talk to me but only after the fact.

As great as it is at first, fuck love.

Happy fucking New Year.

 

[pancha]

sorry to hear that Montrealman.:crying:

but if her feelings were that great for you, she wouldn't walk out on you. speaking from experience here, don't approach all future possibilities with the "fuck love" attitude. I know it sucks, it will take time to get over it, but there WILL be plenty of opportunities to be just as happy as you were if not more so.

hang in there bud!

 

[Montrealman]

I really appreciate that Pancha, I really do.
My whole world just collapsed in the last 2 weeks.
It's just so painful to be rejected by the one you love the most on the planet.

 

[Nash]

When you said that she wanted to move in with her parents and think about things for a few months, I didn't think that was a good sign.

It sounded to me like she wanted to break up, but was scared because she does still love you (just not in that same way anymore) and was scared to hurt you.

Who knows though, maybe she does just want to focus on her schooling and you guys will end up back together somewhere down the line.

I just hope you don't end up finding out she is going out with someone else a few weeks from now, then you know she was bullshitting you the whole time and I'd demand that she tells you the real reason for the breakup.

 

[pancha]

trust me, I know the feeling. really screwed me up for a while. had some good friends that helped me through it, made me get back out there and forget, however temporary, about the hurt.
one day, it just didn't matter to me anymore.

Nash, i understand the whole peace of mind/closure aspect, but is it really that important? just move on.

 

[Montrealman]

When we started dating, she had come out of this 4 year abusive relationship.
I had asked her if she was ready for a relationship. I'd asked her if she ahd had enough time on her own to know what she wanted. She said yes. She said YES. 16 months later I'm the one who doesn't get a second chance. I'm the one who gets burned. She says I helped her in more ways than one in re-establishing herself. I get DUMPED!?! I never cheated on her. I've been asked out a lot and I always said no because I'm faithful and in love.
I was unhappy for some thing in our life but I wanted to changed them and the holidays were the time I had with her to reconnect and tweak our relationship. The fact is she doesn't love me as much as I love her. That's it.
We cried so much tonight, because our love is dead. She went to her mom's place and I don't blame her but I miss her, and.....FUCK!!!!!!!!!\
I wanted it to work.
I told her that whenever she is ready and knows what she wants, some undeserving guy will get to be with her.
It was supposed to be ME. It was supposed to be me.
It should have been me.
I gave her everything I had to give from my heart.

Take it from me, nice guys finish last.

 

[Facetious]

I understand every single damn word of what your saying. Been there, done it, vowed to myself in deep thought / meditation that I'd never let it happen again, it did. The torment of a myriad of different feelings will have to be remedied by the company of your pals. You'd do the same thing for them, I gather.

I did take a leave of absence once, following the determination that I could afford it and I'd return to the rank I'd left with, as it were. If you do take some time off, do make sure to occupy yourself with relative leisure and little responsibility. There will be times that your mindset will get erratic. You may find yourself plotting some desired outcome, That's normal. Plan your days ahead so you're not alone for any great length of time, OTOH allot yourself time to sit and think in total silence. Some people call it meditation :dunno: whatever . . An 'ol pal gave me this advice, "one down day", to simply sit in total silence, comfortably, in a chair. Do not move, just "listen to silence" and think deeply about whatever comes to mind. 20 - 30 mins. once of twice a day. It absolutely strengthened my psyche. It did, It DID ! I'm a hard sell on this type of "garbage" :1orglaugh - I was desperate for remedy, it did me well.

Additionally - add Some cardio - fitness in your day(s) Required √

Find out how good you really are :1orglaugh at the billiard hall :thumbsup:

Gulp down some O'Keefe, Labbats etc. ale . . .

You're not terminal bro !

You'll be just fine there :thumbsup:

Pancha Said : "one day, it won't matter anymore . . . ."

I say : not tomorrow, not next week . . . "one day" will arrive though. ~

The preceding are not directives, just things that worked for me, YMMV.

 

[Montrealman]

I appreciate that man.
I've been through it too, even at christmas time. This is the second time it happens to me at Chrsitmas.
I just love her so damn much and she used to be CRAZY about me.
It fuckin' sucks when your mate won't express her feelings and one day BOOM your life is changed forever.
It fuckin' sucks.

I said to her tonight that I am showing her commitment like she will never know again.
This is a low time. Couples who matter stick to one another during those times.
She said that really impresses her, that it means a lot, so she went to her mom's place.
I love her man, can't lose her.
I'm fuckin' destroyed right now.
AND I've got to get a new place.
FUCK!!!!!!!
This is/was our dream home.
We had such promise that I still can't belive it's happening.

 

[Montrealman]

By the way ANY thoughts from the women here would greatly appreciated.
I need the balance of thought.

Thanks.

 

[senob44]

Just came across this thread now, Montrealman. Sorry to hear what you are going through. I don't have all that much to say, except don't lose faith in love. It sounds alot to me like you loved her more than she loved you. The kind of love you have for her, she doesn't know. It sounds cheesy, but love has no limits. No matter how troubled or fucked up things get, true love can get a couple through it. Things got tough, or just not right for her and she bailed on you. If it's meant to be with her, she will come back on her own. Her love will bring her back. Probably it won't happen though. Either way, she has to be left to her own devices at this point.

You can take some time to grieve over a lost love, but don't take too long. When you start to feel some confidence again, look up some of the women who had been asking you out. Don't dive into anything headlong. Take your time and have some fun.

PS-Since you wanted a woman's perspective, I'll make a note to have Becks check out this thread. :thumbsup:

 

[Montrealman]

Thanks Senob44.
The problem is we live together.
She's always gone though to her Mom's.
Her mom did the same thing to her dad too, which is fucked up.
I feel I've lost everything I worked very hard for. Easier said than done, but true.
I drowned about 70 pills of something like sleeping pills.
See you all on Friday I guess, lol.

 

[Member2019]

It's time for you to choose to leave, but leave an "open letter" ...

I've been up for 26 hours. I can't sleep or eat.

Not good, you're not thinking clearly.

My confidence is super low.
She's at her Mom's and I phoned her telling her I need to speak with her in person. I said I'm about to make a huge decision and I need to see before making that decision.

You need sleep before doing that, trust me, you need to sleep on it, period, even if you do the same thing.

Last night I wrote her a letter explaining how I felt, with the intention of asking her to stay with me while we figure it out. I'm at a point where I cannot function. I spent the holidays completely alone and I simply can't do this any longer. I will ask her to read the letter

Sleep on it. Change anything you need to in the morning, then give it to her.

and then I'm afraid to but I feel I have no choice but to give her the ultimatum. It has been almost 2 weeks since this has begun and I need closure.

Okay, maybe I've been putting this wrong.

First off, what do you mean by "ultimatum"? It's "this" or "that"? Or that you just want a discussion?

Because, secondly, if you just want a discussion, I 100% agree with you. If she won't give you any time to discuss, then I 100% agree, it's over, for now. But you'll always wonder why or how, so you need to make an "open letter" -- even if you never let her back into your life more than just an acquaintance, she needs to know she can come back and explain things for closure.

Because it's becoming obvious she doesn't want to discuss now. In fact, she is extremely selfish by not giving you the opportunity. I don't know if that's because she is afraid to talk to you for various reasons (hers, yours, whatever), or she's afraid to commit to the reality that she owes the discussion because she is living with you.

A huge part of me says stay cool, give her all the space and time she needs. Another part of me says time never fixed anything, it's what you do with that time that counts.

You're both right and wrong, largely right, except that "time never fixed anything" from the viewpoint, "time heals emotions," even if just yours.

It sounds like you do just want closure, and she won't go one way or another. You do need that, I agree. But she isn't going to give it to you, and you don't want to do that with an ultimatum. Here's the deal ...

Go ahead and tell her you and her are over now, there is no reason for you to consult further. You've clearly done your part. Leave it with these "requirements" for her to re-engage ...

1. She has to make you feel comfortable again with her ability to be considerate

2. She has shown she cannot be considerate when you are around, so there is no reason to believe she would be considerate when you're not, like another man, and that's really the problem at this point that is on her to show otherwise

3. She has to show she values your relationship, and will discuss things with you and you only, not her parents, not another man

4. You love her, it makes you sick to be without her, but you would be far less hurt if she was not with you because of how inconsiderate she is (possibly worse, you honestly don't know because you can't trust her at all with her own feelings, let alone get her to share them -- plainly -- with you), and you just want her to be happy, instead of both of you being miserable

5. You're not waiting for her to return. If she wants to return, it won't be easy for her, and you won't be waiting for her, but she's still your greatest love, so if she can show she is honest, sincere and considerate, you love her enough that you would try all over again

6. But at this time, you've seen 0 effort to involve you, so it's on her to re-engage. This is an "open letter" to do so, but she has to know what she should expect give the above, and not to attempt if she's not serious.

It's important you end it with this "open letter" which puts it on her to "wake up." Maybe she'll "wake up" after a few weeks. Maybe she'll "wake up" months from now. Maybe she'll never "wake up." Or maybe she'll call you in a few days. In any case, you wash yourself from this, and find yourself able to walk away if she does.

That's all I can suggest.

She's even willing to get a new job so to not see this guy anymore and I really appreciate that, but if she decides to move out for a period of three months then I don't see how we could fix this.

Why would she move out if she's willing to change jobs? There's something I'm not seeing her.

Should I do what I don't want to do to get closure or do I just stay cool and again take a risk of losing her. I understand the set them free and if it was meant to be thing. I do. But I'm freaking out as my life took a turn for shambles.

You have closure, it's called "making a choice" and living with it, including the "open letter." You lay out the "requirements" of her being in a relationship with you, and what you're willing to accept, and that's that. You've got to stick to them though, and not bring up "hurt," only "consideration."

Thanks Senob44.
The problem is we live together.
She's always gone though to her Mom's.
Her mom did the same thing to her dad too, which is fucked up.

Yes it is, and I agree 100% with you. She should never "cry on her mom's shoulder", she's with you, and htat means only you should be hearing it and working it out with her. See #3 above -- underline it in your letter, stick to it, hear no reason why it should be otherwise. I 100% agree with you.

I feel I've lost everything I worked very hard for. Easier said than done, but true.
I drowned about 70 pills of something like sleeping pills.
See you all on Friday I guess, lol.

You've worked hard, you didn't deserve this, but it doesn't matter. She's already been inconsiderate to the point you cannot trust her judgment in a relationship with you. That's reality.

That's why you write down what you expect of her as a partner, and you don't back down from it. No more explanations or outside discussions, you lay it down -- not as an "ultimatum," but as an "open letter" that tells her exactly and specifically what to expect as a lover, partner and best friend. Only write down what is non-negotiable.

If she understands, she will come back in days, possibly weeks or possibly in months when she realizes how poor her choices have been. Hopefully it will be days, and hopefully it will be sincere. If not, then you know she's not ever going to be compatible, at least not as she is today.

 

[Facetious]

If it's any consolation -

I don't know your age, MM, but at least twice, in the past, I had run ins with two girls that, if conditions were to have been "ideal" I would have wed these two (separately of course :1orglaugh) at different times in my life.

Seeing them later, after 8 and 10 years respectively, I was secure and jovial to walk away from these two thinking - Sure as hell glad that I didn't marry her !

Oh and her too ! :1orglaugh

Good stuff there Senob & Prof ^ :thumbsup:

Talk to us, MM

When ya can ~