Separation

[Member2019]

Time does tell ...

If it's any consolation -
I don't know your age, MM, but at least twice, in the past, I had run ins with two girls that, if conditions were to have been "ideal" I would have wed these two (separately of course :1orglaugh) at different times in my life.
Seeing them later, after 8 and 10 years respectively, I was secure and jovial to walk away from these two thinking - Sure as hell glad that I didn't marry her !
Oh and her too ! :1orglaugh
Good stuff there Senob & Prof ^ :thumbsup:
Talk to us, MM
When ya can ~

Time sure tells a lot!
The communication issues right now are not good at all, definitely the reality for now.

 

[negator]

If it's any consolation -

I don't know your age, MM, but at least twice, in the past, I had run ins with two girls that, if conditions were to have been "ideal" I would have wed these two (separately of course :1orglaugh) at different times in my life.

Seeing them later, after 8 and 10 years respectively, I was secure and jovial to walk away from these two thinking - Sure as hell glad that I didn't marry her !

Oh and her too ! :1orglaugh

Good stuff there Senob & Prof ^ :thumbsup:

Talk to us, MM

When ya can ~

+1:yinyang:

everything has beauty in it, given the right perspective.

 

[Montrealman]

Re: It's time for you to choose to leave, but leave an "open letter" ...

When you said that she wanted to move in with her parents and think about things for a few months, I didn't think that was a good sign.

It sounded to me like she wanted to break up, but was scared because she does still love you (just not in that same way anymore) and was scared to hurt you.

Who knows though, maybe she does just want to focus on her schooling and you guys will end up back together somewhere down the line.

I just hope you don't end up finding out she is going out with someone else a few weeks from now, then you know she was bullshitting you the whole time and I'd demand that she tells you the real reason for the breakup.

Not good, you're not thinking clearly.

You need sleep before doing that, trust me, you need to sleep on it, period, even if you do the same thing.

Sleep on it. Change anything you need to in the morning, then give it to her.

Okay, maybe I've been putting this wrong.

First off, what do you mean by "ultimatum"? It's "this" or "that"? Or that you just want a discussion?

Because, secondly, if you just want a discussion, I 100% agree with you. If she won't give you any time to discuss, then I 100% agree, it's over, for now. But you'll always wonder why or how, so you need to make an "open letter" -- even if you never let her back into your life more than just an acquaintance, she needs to know she can come back and explain things for closure.

Because it's becoming obvious she doesn't want to discuss now. In fact, she is extremely selfish by not giving you the opportunity. I don't know if that's because she is afraid to talk to you for various reasons (hers, yours, whatever), or she's afraid to commit to the reality that she owes the discussion because she is living with you.

You're both right and wrong, largely right, except that "time never fixed anything" from the viewpoint, "time heals emotions," even if just yours.

It sounds like you do just want closure, and she won't go one way or another. You do need that, I agree. But she isn't going to give it to you, and you don't want to do that with an ultimatum. Here's the deal ...

Go ahead and tell her you and her are over now, there is no reason for you to consult further. You've clearly done your part. Leave it with these "requirements" for her to re-engage ...

1. She has to make you feel comfortable again with her ability to be considerate

2. She has shown she cannot be considerate when you are around, so there is no reason to believe she would be considerate when you're not, like another man, and that's really the problem at this point that is on her to show otherwise

3. She has to show she values your relationship, and will discuss things with you and you only, not her parents, not another man

4. You love her, it makes you sick to be without her, but you would be far less hurt if she was not with you because of how inconsiderate she is (possibly worse, you honestly don't know because you can't trust her at all with her own feelings, let alone get her to share them -- plainly -- with you), and you just want her to be happy, instead of both of you being miserable

5. You're not waiting for her to return. If she wants to return, it won't be easy for her, and you won't be waiting for her, but she's still your greatest love, so if she can show she is honest, sincere and considerate, you love her enough that you would try all over again

6. But at this time, you've seen 0 effort to involve you, so it's on her to re-engage. This is an "open letter" to do so, but she has to know what she should expect give the above, and not to attempt if she's not serious.

It's important you end it with this "open letter" which puts it on her to "wake up." Maybe she'll "wake up" after a few weeks. Maybe she'll "wake up" months from now. Maybe she'll never "wake up." Or maybe she'll call you in a few days. In any case, you wash yourself from this, and find yourself able to walk away if she does.

That's all I can suggest.

Why would she move out if she's willing to change jobs? There's something I'm not seeing her.

You have closure, it's called "making a choice" and living with it, including the "open letter." You lay out the "requirements" of her being in a relationship with you, and what you're willing to accept, and that's that. You've got to stick to them though, and not bring up "hurt," only "consideration."

Yes it is, and I agree 100% with you. She should never "cry on her mom's shoulder", she's with you, and htat means only you should be hearing it and working it out with her. See #3 above -- underline it in your letter, stick to it, hear no reason why it should be otherwise. I 100% agree with you.

You've worked hard, you didn't deserve this, but it doesn't matter. She's already been inconsiderate to the point you cannot trust her judgment in a relationship with you. That's reality.

That's why you write down what you expect of her as a partner, and you don't back down from it. No more explanations or outside discussions, you lay it down -- not as an "ultimatum," but as an "open letter" that tells her exactly and specifically what to expect as a lover, partner and best friend. Only write down what is non-negotiable.

If she understands, she will come back in days, possibly weeks or possibly in months when she realizes how poor her choices have been. Hopefully it will be days, and hopefully it will be sincere. If not, then you know she's not ever going to be compatible, at least not as she is today.

I've just re-read every post here and my God guys, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
I'm still hurting, finding out she goes to his place instead of her Mom's.
I actually called him and asked if they were seeing each other, he said "No of course not, It's not a situation I enjoy and you don't deserve what you've been put through."

How does my dick taste when you kiss her?

She still hasn't really talked to me in about two weeks now. Here & there and she's called me twice this week to chat, like the ol' days. It's nice but Im moving on, if she doesn't SEE what she's right, true, loving and full of fuckin' potential then I don't want to be with someone who has that all blurred in their head.

I'm still waiting but I'm not. I now jog, I became a volunteer, I still have 2 jobs, part-time school again and I enjoy that right now. I know what I did to kind of push her away. She felt caged in for reasons of assuming I wanted to be with her only because she's excellent housewife material. I've never ever wanted t out with her for that and I never said anything like tha at all.
Anyhow she assumed way too much and once she had a bad feeling about us she kept it in, never told me, ever but I was blind.
In the last 4 months it got boring. I now know I was procrastinating way too much, gotten lazy about a lot of things basically let her walk all over me.
No woman wants that. So I thought of myself how I was when I first met her, I was much more active socially, more sports and clear headed.
It sounds like we weren't meant for each other but I disagree. She's the first to say we're a great team in everything, sex, work, projects etc
So she kept it al in and when she did tell me, I was frustrated from the night before because she never called and got home at 5am. She was with him.
My girl is 10 years younger than I am, I understand what she's going through because I've been through it too. Even if she moves out, I'll take it slow and see what happens because I want her to see who I really am, jovial, inspierd, determined, ambitious as hell but just smoked a joint too many and got lazy full-time. She asked for time and space and I'm giving it. I know she has to explore a bit though, but I'm still making sure she sees me now bettering myself and showing commitment.

I cared enough to change my ways in a more honest way to myself before anything or anyone else but I thought it would help things and honestly I thought it might make her notice me more.

 

[Torre82]

This is one of many reasons why the world, races and genders arent equal. We cant trust each other. There isnt anything I can say to truly help you thru this, so.. I offer these three bits of advice:

1: Alcohol soothes the mind, eases the pain.. and erases the memory.

2. Music is your friend. Just REALIZE.. that whatever songs you listen to.. are forever tied to this girl. Tainted.

3. Do NOT drunk dial. Ever. Fucking ever.

 

[Montrealman]

3. Do NOT drunk dial. Ever. Fucking ever.

Yeah....I did that and became verbaly abusive IMO so I think that just did it in. She surely didn't want to see me and I think she was afraid. She's forgiven me about it though. It was far from my finest moment and that's my biggest regret.
I think I'm giving her more than she'l ever know.


Thanks though Torre82min, I really appreciate your opinion. :hatsoff:

 

[Member2019]

Man, she's got her values fucked up ...

I've just re-read every post here and my God guys, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

No thanks necessary, I'm just trying to help you to where you want to go to resolve it.

I'm still hurting, finding out she goes to his place instead of her Mom's.

The fact that she's doing either is the problem.

I actually called him and asked if they were seeing each other, he said "No of course not, It's not a situation I enjoy and you don't deserve what you've been put through."

Don't even call him or her then, not worth it at all.

How does my dick taste when you kiss her?

He he, tell yourself jokes like that if it helps ease the pain, but seriously, don't concern yourself with that.

She still hasn't really talked to me in about two weeks now. Here & there and she's called me twice this week to chat, like the ol' days.

What does she want? Did you do the "open letter"?

It's nice but Im moving on, if she doesn't SEE what she's right, true, loving and full of fuckin' potential then I don't want to be with someone who has that all blurred in their head.

Agreed, I think you have your answer. But I still recommend the "open letter."

I'm still waiting but I'm not.

Hence why you should have the "open letter." Even though it's "open," it's still "closure." It's up to her to "get real" or not, and you know where she stands based on it. It at least removes any "confusion" or "uncertainty" she has which may be contributing why she hasn't gotten back to you.

But the fact that she confides in anyone but you is the problem, and that's why she doesn't have you as a result. Pure and simple, and she needs to realize that.

I now jog, I became a volunteer, I still have 2 jobs, part-time school again and I enjoy that right now.

This is the best thing you can do! Good for you man, really. You're moving on. You're being productive. Don't feel bad about doing that, it's best to be productive.

And if she guilts you about, "getting over me so easily," then you basically have to lay out it, "I realized I did everything I could, and I wasn't being remotely healthy or productive by dwelling on things I wasn't at fault about. If you came back, you came back, it was on you, not me."

Honestly, you're doing good. It hurts like hell, I know (been there), but you did everything you could. You're not longer despising, you're focusing on healthy things.

I know what I did to kind of push her away. She felt caged in for reasons of assuming I wanted to be with her only because she's excellent housewife material. I've never ever wanted t out with her for that and I never said anything like tha at all.

Then that's on her, and if she doesn't see it, then it's a communication issue for her. When she wants to communicate, she can, leave that door open. But if she wants to assume, she wants to run to anyone but you, that's 100% her problem. A relationship means two lovers are best friends who confide in one another, not others. She doesn't value that, and that means she doesn't value what is required.

Her running to the guy that started this whole mess is just stupid. She's probably sitting there with him, feeling sorry for herself, saying, "I'm not doing anything wrong, he's wrong for being upset that I'm with this other guy." Not! She needs to realize it's extremely inconsiderate even if, beyond a shadow of a doubt, she didn't cheat on you, period, no excuse.

And if she did cheat on you, then she's really fucked up. In either case, she's fucking up, and she doesn't realize that. Especially if she didn't cheat on you physically, she doesn't realize how fucked up it is, and she's making excuses (which is only fucked up more).

Anyhow she assumed way too much and once she had a bad feeling about us she kept it in, never told me, ever but I was blind.

Communication is the key to a relationship. Sounds like she doesn't want one, or more realistic yet, she doesn't know how to have one. Again, you need an "open letter" where you tell her this, and you're interested if she wants one again, but she has to show you she really wants that.

In the last 4 months it got boring. I now know I was procrastinating way too much, gotten lazy about a lot of things basically let her walk all over me.

Yeah, it sounds like it. You love her so much you want to do anything for her, and that includes looking past her transgressions. Soon they become repetitive, and then that means she doesn't think anything of them. And that's when things are really a problem, especially when you try to talk to her about it.

Instead of being a responsible partner and working it out with you, she runs to others. I don't know what she is thinking, but it's probably not good for you and your relationship with her. Her repeat running to others, especially another man, to confide is a serious issue. And, again, she's probably not even being honest with herself about her own problem, and making excuses.

No woman wants that. So I thought of myself how I was when I first met her, I was much more active socially, more sports and clear headed.

Dude, it's not about that. I was more into sports. I was more socially active. So was my wife.

But you get busy with your careers. You have less time for sports. You get old. But you grow old with your lover, your best friend, and the communication is still there. You're beating yourself up over bullshit. The key is that you wanted a relationship, communication, etc... and it has little to do with how you look or how active you are.

Yes, a relationship is about not taking your lover for granted, but that doesn't mean you don't change and age.

It sounds like we weren't meant for each other but I disagree. She's the first to say we're a great team in everything, sex, work, projects etc

And you probably were! And you may be so again in the future. But until then, she doesn't realize it. You can't "prove" that to her. She has to discover it herself.

But based on the fact that she keeps running to other people, she's probably looking for people to tell her the same lies she told to herself. She doesn't realize that her lack of communication is why she doesn't have a relationship with you anymore, pure and simple. You can't tell her that because she's not listening.

So she kept it al in and when she did tell me, I was frustrated from the night before because she never called and got home at 5am. She was with him.

Yep.

My girl is 10 years younger than I am, I understand what she's going through because I've been through it too. Even if she moves out, I'll take it slow and see what happens because I want her to see who I really am, jovial, inspierd, determined, ambitious as hell but just smoked a joint too many and got lazy full-time. She asked for time and space and I'm giving it. I know she has to explore a bit though, but I'm still making sure she sees me now bettering myself and showing commitment.

Well, be there for her, but keep your distance. I think you're doing great by no longer letting her walk all over you. That's important. Help her in need, but don't need her or let her use you and take advantage of that (former) need for her.

I cared enough to change my ways in a more honest way to myself before anything or anyone else but I thought it would help things and honestly I thought it might make her notice me more.

Honesty is always key. If anything, she either does or doesn't like you based on who you really are. You can't go wrong with that.

I think your maturity is in realizing that you've been through her age before. If she sees it in the end, she'll realize what she either does or does not want. I'd still write that "open letter" my friend, so she knows if she can or cannot come back, and the real, honest questions she has to ask herself and know what to expect if she does come back.

 

[Member2019]

This is one of many reasons why the world, races and genders arent equal. We cant trust each other.

My wife and I seem to, I guess we are an anomaly.

There isnt anything I can say to truly help you thru this, so.. I offer these three bits of advice:
1: Alcohol soothes the mind, eases the pain.. and erases the memory.

Yeah, I'm not much help here. I learned long ago to deal with pain and learn to just not let it affect me. I've never drank alcohol or done drugs. I avoid pain killers, period, and deal with the "full force" of any pain -- emotional or physical. I went under the knife no less than 3 times in the last 5 years. Each time, I refused the drugs afterwards, and dealt with the pain during the healing. This included something kidney related, where it's basically mandated and has the highest level of abuse afterwards.

I guess ever since I had an outpatient surgery long ago where they underestimated the depth of a growth and couldn't give me any more anesthesia (they put it in the wrong area, but it was still too much for my body weight), there is nothing I'm not prepared for. Seriously, it was on my upper back, and I not only hear the knife cutting my flesh with my ear less than 6" away, all while I felt the full pain of that last inch which they cut for over 5 minutes.

2. Music is your friend. Just REALIZE.. that whatever songs you listen to.. are forever tied to this girl. Tainted.

Hmmm, not sure. I really reserve music for happy times. For down times, I jack off. But I don't get lonely when I jack off, I remember that God Herself made me a man so I could enjoy unloading my cock. I will die of a heart attack as my penis is unloading, and it will be good -- with someone or alone.

3. Do NOT drunk dial. Ever. Fucking ever.

Again, can't help you there, since I've never drank. I don't like to do anything where I'm not in control. As such, I avoid ever doing anything that could not only harm me, but possibly others. I can't tell people not to drink. I believe it's everyone's right, just like anything else. But I've rarely seen anything good come from drinking.

I only witness my father drunk two times, both very low points during his career and our family. Nothing good came from it for him, and I think he quickly realized that as well.

 

[Montrealman]

You're so right Prof,
Obviously I forgot about the open letter. I will re-read that right now and put it to effect.

Thanks a million.

 

[Member2019]

Open letter ...

You're so right Prof, Obviously I forgot about the open letter. I will re-read that right now and put it to effect. Thanks a million.

No, don't thank me.

Again ...

1. Don't write with emotion, leave it out
2. Exception: Tell her how much you love her, care for her and still do
3. Explain it was over the second she couldn't communicate with you, and decided to confide in everyone but you, which makes cheating irrelevant, she shares with everyone but you
4. Relationships are built on two people being best friends and honest, and it's clear she has not done that
5. When she wants that type of relationship with someone again, you're here for her, and you will remember how much you love and care for her, so she can come back
6. But you expect her to be honest and want to communicate with only you, and that's for her to decide, and right now, she hasn't shown you that, so you're moving on until then

Write it, sleep on it and then send it to her. Don't rush it. If you sleep on it and realize you want to change quite a bit, do it, but then sleep on it again until you don't need to change much before sending it.

You have to both:
- Give her an avenue to come back, but
- Get her to realize what she's going to accept if she does

 

[Montrealman]

Oh by the way I forgot to mention that today she called me at work after I phoned home. She was there taking a nap. I called to check my home messages, if any.
She asked me I called there because I knew she didn't work on Thursdays and had 2 classes in the afternoon. I honest to Go did not know. I was waiting for a message from one of my professors but he hadn't called yet.
So tonight I get back from work & school and there are five messages from people including her mom. Her mom hadn't seen her in 4 days. That's how I found out. That's when I knew, so I called him. I even appologized to him for me screaming on the phone and writing hime to stay the fuck away and not be a weazel. He said he felt bad and this was way too screwed up for him. So now I hope he feels like shit, actually I don't care what he feels like.
Then a message from her mom said she called the police because she was worried and thought something bad had happened. My neighbour knocked on the door to let me know the cops did come by. I couldn't BELIEVE IT.
It freaked me out so I let her mom know where she was. Her mom called me back and said she had spoken to her and my ex would call me tonight. She didn't and I know she's afraid I'll freak out but no. I won't. I won't say anything. Now I know she's feeling the heat big-time, everyone is so surprised and disapointed in her and her actions.
But I won't say anything, I have no words but I'm sticking to what I wrote earlier.

I sure can pick 'em.

Goddammit!! I can't even watch porn now because I thinking of her fucking this total moron loser. My girlfriend's hot guys, very hot so I know he's trying to ride the living daylights out of her, but that's my job. I love that job. FUCK!!!!!

 

[Montrealman]

Oh and I didn't try to ride her, I rode her.

 

[Member2019]

Dude, here's what you do ...

That's when I knew, so I called him. I even appologized to him for me screaming on the phone and writing hime to stay the fuck away and not be a weazel. He said he felt bad and this was way too screwed up for him. So now I hope he feels like shit, actually I don't care what he feels like.

Okay dude, here's what you do.

First off, stop being mad at him, he's just an excuse she is using. She involved him, not vice-versa. Regardless of his motives or participation, she was your lover and woman, and your lover and woman decided to involve him.

So, secondly, what you need to do is stop doing anything you need to apologize to him for. Completely eliminate him from blame. Seriously. Hell, you should probably call him up, explain to him that you're not mad at him because you realize that she decided to involve him, maybe even meet him some place for a beer (you should drink soda, just so you can keep your wits).

And do it somewhere in public, where other people can verify you weren't doing anything violent or abusive to him. Meet him there, don't drive to his place. Tell him you want to talk in a public place with him so both he and you can relax.

You can learn a lot by talking to another guy, especially one that might be just as confused as you!

If you still hate him then don't do it. But if you can realize he's not the problem, she is, then you'll have no problem. It's just like Al Pacino's character in the movie Heat -- it wasn't the guy she slept with, it was her.

Then a message from her mom said she called the police because she was worried and thought something bad had happened. My neighbour knocked on the door to let me know the cops did come by. I couldn't BELIEVE IT.

Okay, this is your "wake up call." She's fucked up, really bad. You want to stay the fuck away from her now.

It freaked me out so I let her mom know where she was. Her mom called me back and said she had spoken to her and my ex would call me tonight. She didn't and I know she's afraid I'll freak out but no. I won't. I won't say anything. Now I know she's feeling the heat big-time, everyone is so surprised and disapointed in her and her actions. But I won't say anything, I have no words but I'm sticking to what I wrote earlier.

No more talking, period. It's clear she cannot be merely not considerate, but she cannot think ahead to what harm her actions are going to cause everyone.

If you remember anything here, I want you to remember this ...

She is involving all sorts of people in this, and the last thing she is doing is considering how much harm she is causing everyone.

I sure can pick 'em. Goddammit!! I can't even watch porn now because I thinking of her fucking this total moron loser. My girlfriend's hot guys, very hot so I know he's trying to ride the living daylights out of her, but that's my job. I love that job. FUCK!!!!!

Dude, get off it. Stop focusing on it. Dude, you're obsessed with what she's doing. Stop it. Get over it. Seriously.

Dude, she left you, she can't communicate with you, regardless whether or not she's riding cock or not is not what should be on your mind. Don't blame the other guy either, she decided to involve him, and who knows, she's probably just a dumb schmuck who doesn't understand what is going on either.

And he might honestly not be doing anything with her. He might actually just be a "nice guy" that she keeps confiding in. He might be questioning how fucked up she is as well. Trust me, I've been there, when a girl came over and confided in me, the first thing I did was call the boyfriend and tell him she's fucked up.

You Might actually be surprised. Some of us guys actually know what women you should not sleep with when this is goign on!

 

[Member2019]

More food for thought (I've been on your side before) ...

Oh and I didn't try to ride her, I rode her.

Dude, doesn't matter. Stop focusing on it. Stop focusing on the sex. You need to remember the best friendship, not the sex right now. It seems to set you in the wrong direction.

I've also been on your side of this situation too, although long ago and in high school (not the same as adults, I know). I had one girlfriend who I still don't know, to this day, if she was physically cheating on me or not. But it was clear she was confiding in another guy. And it only got worse.

She convinced him I was an abusive football player, and that I was going to "kick his ass." He didn't come right out and say this to me, but it came out in the following weeks. My girlfriend basically went to prom (including being intimate with me afterwards), and then she dumped me. She was with him the next week (found out later it was because I wouldn't have intercourse).

But it gets worse.

She apparently said all sorts of shit to her parents. Her parents then "reached out" to me and had me go to church. I found out later that she was feeding them crap about me that wasn't true, and that's why they wanted me to go to church -- to "save" me. WTF?

And it go worse.

I liked her mother, so I went on Mother's Day to church with them. All while she was there, and she and her bo were holding in church as it was "spiritual," a total facade as they were fucking. I.e., she had intercourse with him the very week after she broke up with me, two of her friends independently came out and told me -- all I said I was "glad we was happy." Kinda ironic it was that quick after me (possibly before), but she was already confiding in him before we were broken up, as well as her other stories. So it really didn't matter at that point.

Anyhow, I get home to my father and brother arguing. Apparently it was really heated, and my bother was being a total dick to my mother on Mother's Day. I suddenly was in the crossfire about "going out with my girlfriend on Mother's Day." I tried to explain, but he cut me off. After the start of his 3rd lecture, I finally cut him off and said I didn't do jack. He threw me up against a wall, and then out the door.

I had no shoes. I walked 10 miles barefoot to a friend's house. I did not returned home and went directly to school the next day after staying in a friend's garage. My mother had the balls to call the police on my friend's parents with me as a "run away." Later that day my mother ask me if I was on drugs, because I "wasn't taking life seriously."

I was 15, just trying to find my "place" in life, yet not doing a thing wrong.

Trust me dude, sometimes everyone else has their "values" fucked up, and you're the only guy who doesn't. The key is to be strong in your values, not question them, but don't use their issues to cross your own values and start fucking up just as bad as them. Don't do it! Avoid them! Forget them!

 

[Montrealman]

Thanks Prof.
She found out I knew where she had been. She called me about 10 times at work yesterday to talk. I knew she felt guilty because if I hadn't found out she never would have called to talk. I called her back and we met up. Just went to a little pizzeria near my work. She looked like crap, she hadn't slept at all the night before. She even showed me her bill as proof she stayed there for the night. I stayed cool & calm. She said I looked really good (of course I do). I said to her I had my doubts about where she had been but the night before with her mom calling it was proof. I told her she never would have called and come home had I not find out. My girlfriend asked for some time and space, I said sure but she just went to his place instead. I mean what the FUCK???? I told all of that. I made sure she understod how much I had loved her and respected her enough to let her go get some peace but this was just a huge insult. The other guy too dumped his gf because he has feelings for my girl. They actually kind of deserve each other that way. Two jerks screwing over peple who simply loved them no matter what and of course the nice ones finish last. So she slept here last night and after an hour I wnt on the couch because I was still fuming over he fact that she was in his bed all week. She's got it all, two guys now. Fucking Christ.
My girl is super stressed because of work and school, she's not doing well at either lately and because she's so stressed she gets pissy. Of course I got the load of it this morning. I wonder if she was like that around him.
I'm fed up. I've been hurt just....too much.

 

[Member2019]

My girlfriend asked for some time and space, I said sure but she just went to his place instead. I mean what the FUCK????

It means she can't be honest. If you are going to even interact with her, that means you have to tell her she had better be honest, or you're kicking her out because that is the ultimate form of lack of respect. As long as she's honest, you and her can communicate.

I told all of that. I made sure she understod how much I had loved her and respected her enough to let her go get some peace but this was just a huge insult. The other guy too dumped his gf because he has feelings for my girl. They actually kind of deserve each other that way.

Yep.

Two jerks screwing over peple who simply loved them no matter what and of course the nice ones finish last. So she slept here last night and after an hour I wnt on the couch because I was still fuming over he fact that she was in his bed all week. She's got it all, two guys now.

Well, what do you want to do about it? Seriously and calmly, that is the question here.

Does she want a polygamous relationship? Does she even want to tell you what she wants? I think the problem is that she can't even be honest. If a woman cannot be honest with me, that's really the thing I can never understand. I've had to leave women because of that, and despite all the excuses they make and all the bashing they do of me behind my back, most people see the truth.

I could never be with a woman that could not be honest with me. I always told my wife that the price of admission to my bed (not sex, but just sleeping in the same bed, let alone being in the same house) was honesty. If she can't be honest, I'd kick her out.

Understand that's not the same thing as doing what you want. But if she can't be honest with you, she shouldn't even be there. Or in other words, she should know better than to come to your house if she can't be honest.

My girl is super stressed because of work and school, she's not doing well at either lately and because she's so stressed she gets pissy.

Which is 100% her fault. Tell her that. Tell her that you want to help, but as long as she can't be honest and tell you and deal with it, then she's just dragging everyone down with her.

Of course I got the load of it this morning. I wonder if she was like that around him. I'm fed up. I've been hurt just....too much.

Stop focusing on it. You can be hurt, but stop focusing on it, it doesn't do anything. Honestly. Easier said than done, but it has to be done.

If she can't be honest with you and she can't communicate, she shouldn't be there. I'd get with her and said you want the truth, the full truth and nothing but the truth, and you should sit there and get to the heart of her feelings. You can't get upset with her or she'll stop, it will only inhibit her. You need to find out what she honestly feels and thinks.

Once you have those details, you can better decide what you'll do. But if she cannot be honest with you, I'd kick her out. And I'd tell her that you're kicking her out not because of what she may or may have not done, but that she cannot even respect you to be honest with you, regardless of what her feelings are.

 

[Montrealman]

True Prof but you see she's got this competition for school and will be gone all next week. Last night over dinner she told me lover #2 will be gone for 2 weeks on vacatio after that so we'll be able to reconnect. Even in bed last night I wanted to talk things through and se said that's why se didn't like coming home anymore because that's all we talk about. I said it was because I hadn't seen her in so long and it was what I needed to be clear about. She said she was dead tired and asked if we could talk about it tonight. Well she's gone to class and after that it's back to work to finish on some stuff in order to be done before going to that competition in another city.
Last night she joked " Why can't the three of us just move to Utah and live as three?" I flat out said no fuckin' way I'd ever consider that, even joking. I didn't say I wanted her back last night. I kept a certain distance. I want to let her come to me because she SHOULD know I'm the better man. Eventhough this other guy has way more money than me, I don't have a car here, he does. The security thing but she told me that never had she connected with someone as she does with me. I think she just wants to keep me in her life as a friend and I feel defeated by that but I said I will not do that. Ever, fuck no. I've always been an excellent boyfriend to her, taken care of her no problem, she was never miserable with me. I still don't get how she could get herself attracted to another guy. We were talking about the few changes we'd like make in our relationship but then she said "don't forget there's another person invloved now".
GRRRRRRR

 

[Member2019]

Last night over dinner she told me lover #2 will be gone for 2 weeks on vacatio after that so we'll be able to reconnect.

So she's not able to reconnect when he's here? Doesn't make sense to me, but I don't know her.

Even in bed last night I wanted to talk things through and se said that's why se didn't like coming home anymore because that's all we talk about.

Did you tell her because it hasn't been resolved? Once it is resolved, we won't talk about it.

Last night she joked " Why can't the three of us just move to Utah and live as three?"

Okay, now you're getting to it. She can't be honest without making a joke. She needs to stop that and just be serious.

I flat out said no fuckin' way I'd ever consider that, even joking.

Well, I know it's jokes'n jest, but you still have unresolved things. Don't know how healthy that is.

I guess the best thing I can recommend is just let her talk and don't say a thing. Tell her to get it all out, don't respond, no matter how much you want to. Let her get it all out. It sounds like that's what she wants.

When you argue with her, it's only inhibiting her from telling you how she feels. You have to repeat, "what do you want me to do about that?" or "do you understand I do not want that in our relationship?"

I didn't say I wanted her back last night. I kept a certain distance. I want to let her come to me because she SHOULD know I'm the better man. Eventhough this other guy has way more money than me, I don't have a car here, he does.

Don't let that bother you, it means nothing. If it means something to her, I'd dump her ass in a heartbeat. A woman who concerns herself with money is not worth it IMHO, but that's just me.

The security thing but she told me that never had she connected with someone as she does with me. I think she just wants to keep me in her life as a friend and I feel defeated by that but I said I will not do that. Ever, fuck no. I've always been an excellent boyfriend to her, taken care of her no problem, she was never miserable with me.

Okay, step back here.

Stop the comparisons. Stop the "I've invested this and that." I know it's hard. I know it's not fair. I know it's hardly reasonable for her to do this to you. You know that. She actually knows that.

The question is, how do you move forward? What does she "expect" of you? What are you willing to give up and not give up? Those are the hard questions. Re-hashing the hurt and her selfishness only goes so far.

I still don't get how she could get herself attracted to another guy. We were talking about the few changes we'd like make in our relationship but then she said "don't forget there's another person invloved now". GRRRRRRR

Wow! Okay.

Here's the deal. She cares more about him than you. That's a problem. She is more concerned with his feelings than yours. You need to tell her that and that's the problem in the first place.

At this point, I wouldn't let her back in the house. But that's just me. You really need to write things down in a letter and leave it for her. That because she wasn't honest enough with you in the first place, you don't think she'll ever be.

Your only other option is to embrace the poly relationship. And if you do that, you'll have to completely change your views. You'll need to do it because you love her. Hell, maybe you should just say that to see her reaction, maybe it's what she is hoping for (and then tell her the truth that you can't).

It's up to you. Only you can define your love for her and what you want out of the relationship. I would stop focusing on him, honestly. It's clear she cares more for his feelings than yours right now. I personally think it's time for her to go, but I don't know your circumstances and investment.

As far as "being friends," that's up to you. I personally think since she can't be honest with you, you have to cut her off. Tell her the "being friends" can't happen because she doesn't care for you and she can't be honest with you. The very fact she couldn't bring this to you when it started is the problem.

The very fact, regardless of how you acted, that she couldn't discuss it with you and kept running away meant she wasn't read to care enough to explain it. And that's on her, not you.

Oh, one more thing ...

Focus on her not involving you. E.g., when she says, "there's one more person involved," fire back, "You didn't involve me in that decision, only him. You do not care or love me because you never involved me in them. And then you repeatedly lied to me and think you can now act like you did when you never did. You did not involve me from the get-go and made decisions on your own that affect both of us. That is not a friend, much less a lover."

She was selfish and beyond inconsiderate. She needs to realize that. She has not yet. Tell her you can understand loving another person, but you cannot understand her lying to you and not being honest, because it sends the fact that she actually does not love you. And it's not going to work if it's only one way.

This whole "I need time" means you need to cut off all feelings for her. I know, difficult, but she needs to feel that. Maybe it's what she wants, to get a final "excuse" to leave. If that's the case, you already lost her. I think she might just be lying to herself about trying to make it poly.

 

[negator]

wound treatment basics:
clean the wound.
treat with antiseptic if necessary.
cover with adhesive bandage if necessary.
let the body heal itself.

if dirt gets into the wound, clean it immediately.
do not poke around inside it, it might get infected.
:2 cents:

 

[Member2019]

wound treatment basics:
clean the wound.
treat with antiseptic if necessary.
cover with adhesive bandage if necessary.
let the body heal itself.

if dirt gets into the wound, clean it immediately.
do not poke around inside it, it might get infected.
:2 cents:

Damn good advice, stop playing with the wound.
Either do something about it or get over it.

 

[pancha]

In all seriousness, DITCH THE BITCH, brother!
by your accounts she seems very self-centered, focusing on what she wants. if your along for the ride it seems okay to her but there seems to be some indifference there on her part. You can't work out ANY problems, let alone one as serious in nature as this, by ignoring them. I don't think that would work very well in my relationships!!! "look honey, I don't want to talk about the girl I've been banging on the side. . . that's why I don't like coming home.":wtf:

Sorry to say, but if you want an honest opinion, try to put this same situation in your mind involving OTHER people rather than yourself. Would Anyone you know go for her "reasoning?" Would people blindly stand by her while she does whatever it is she is doing?

There's your answer.