Separation

[member006]

Why must she be a 'bitch'? The man loves her and I do believe that's a bit over the top. Giving advice is great, even harsh advice, calling a stranger stereotypical names sucks though.

MM its horrid whats happened to you two, but revenge sucks in any form and hanging on only prolongs the inevitable. Let go of her. Your hurt growing to the anger point is a wonderful step. Soon you will have the flip of the card and it will be done. Let it run a natural course, don't over think it or you will allow her to be the proverbial apple that spoils the whole bunch for you. Also for the deserving women that will cross your path in the future. You will become jaded, not giving anyone a deserved chance because of this. You seem like a good guy, don't let anger rule your future. In our PM's I told you my advice, sometimes if you have to work that hard all the time on something, its not worth it.

Sometimes you have to call a 'push' and go on to the next hand. Who knows that winner may come your way. Never will though if you walk away from the game. Its a bitter milestone, but only one none the less. Learn from it and don't close doors. Many happy days await you I'm sure.

LL

 

[pancha]

sorry LL, no offense meant, just a line from a movie. The intent was to show more urgency, not to be offensive.

 

[member006]

sorry LL, no offense meant, just a line from a movie. The intent was to show more urgency, not to be offensive.

I'm sure some here recognize it as a line from a movie. Sorry, I didn't. This is the second time this happened to me too. Guess I need to bone up on movie quotes. lol NP.

LL

 

[pancha]

Also for the deserving women that will cross your path in the future. You will become jaded, not giving anyone a deserved chance because of this. You seem like a good guy, don't let anger rule your future. In our PM's I told you my advice, sometimes if you have to work that hard all the time on something, its not worth it.


LL

Exactly what I underwent at one point! Its a great explanation of the process and I would have to agree with that viewpoint. I had a teacher that was commenting on relationships once and her line was " you stop fighting when there is nothing left worth fighting for."

I don't think it is "giving up" , but rather, coming to the realization that its time to move on.

 

[ERC LL KK 4]

It sounds like you need to talk to her about this. I'm sure she feels for you still, but it would be a good idea if you both went to a specialist and thought this through together with an outside opinion. I think she feels for you still, and it would be terrible if you two separated like this. Just talk to her and tell her what you feel, but don't overreact or upset her - it's never good to lash out at the ones you love.

 

[Montrealman]

Thanks everyone.
She's at work now alone in her office and I'm headed over there or else I'm stuck waiting until midnight.

Ok what IF while this guy's gone it will give her a chance to see me more since we live together and she said she would stay home from now on. What if there was a possible chance I could get her attention?

I will follow Prof's advice though but he's so right when he says she cares more for the other guy than me. How can a woman DO THIS??? Just bang bang bang it's over new guy in tow.
What the fuck is THAT???

Fucking Hell I tell you. it's bullshit, disrespectful....god what a little princess I got myself involved with. I promise you all, she was the complete opposite until one month ago.

 

[Member2019]

Ok what IF while this guy's gone it will give her a chance to see me more since we live together and she said she would stay home from now on. What if there was a possible chance I could get her attention?

"If" and "while" are the key words here. How come she can only do this while he's not around? If it is truly about "three people," your feelings are as "equal" as his. She needs to say that and show it.

I think this is really about her and her alone in her own mind. She "feels bad" yet doesn't really mean it. At the same time, she's only "sad" when around you, and that doesn't favor well.

I think LadyLove pegged it best ...

In our PM's I told you my advice, sometimes if you have to work that hard all the time on something, its not worth it.

Not only should you realize this, understand she thinks this as well. If all you're doing is bringing this up when she doesn't want to talk about it, she's going to see your relationship as something "we have to work at" and it won't be a relationship much longer.

You basically have to decide if you're going to be happy with the arrangement she has forced on you or not. This isn't about right/wrong or making her realize that. It's never going to be, or at least you're not going to be the guy to get her to realize.

Furthermore, her parents and everyone else is probably putting judgments on her at this point, don't add to it. Yeah, it's unfair as fuck, she is being an inconsiderate "bitch" (sorry LadyLove, but the word does fit sometimes), but that doesn't mean you treat her like one. If you truly love someone, you don't shower them with animocity, you shower them with love.

And that includes showering them with love, not hate, when you leave them.

I can only offer that advice, always treat a woman like a lady. Never, ever treat them like a "bitch," even if they are acting like one. That doesn't mean you let her walk all over you. That means you leave them with a smiling face.

If it is your place, you need to give her a date to move out. Honestly, it's time she stops "using you" as a place to stay. Don't kick her out immediately, but tell her you can't have someone dishonest in your place, someone who won't tell you what they are feeling and confides in everyone but you. That's not a relationship, that's not even a friend, but someone who just uses someone.

If you both rent there, I don't know what to tell you. I'd move out myself, but that's just me, and I don't have money worries either.

I will follow Prof's advice though but he's so right when he says she cares more for the other guy than me. How can a woman DO THIS??? Just bang bang bang it's over new guy in tow. What the fuck is THAT???

Dude, stop. You're continually getting upset about something you can't change. I know, it's hard, but you can't change this situation. It's time to accept that.

Fucking Hell I tell you. it's bullshit, disrespectful....god what a little princess I got myself involved with. I promise you all, she was the complete opposite until one month ago.

It's bullshit, yes. It's all non-sense, yes. But what is that attitude gaining you with her? Nothing.

And based on the fact that this is "all in one month," that either says ...
- It's temporary, she's going to "wake up" sooner than later, or
- She always felt this way, but couldn't share it with you, until with another guy

In either case, you're not going to be the one to "change" her. She'll either "come around" or this is what she's "always wanted" but never shared. In either case, she's got communication issues with you. It's not about blame, it's about moving forward.

It sounds like you need to talk to her about this.

Unfortunately she's not talking. That's the problem. Feelings or not, it's a problem, period.

I'm sure she feels for you still, but it would be a good idea if you both went to a specialist and thought this through together with an outside opinion.

The problem with "specialists" is that they don't share the same values as you do. Some "specialists" recognize that. Other "specialists" try to push their "absolute values" on you.

I think she feels for you still, and it would be terrible if you two separated like this. Just talk to her and tell her what you feel, but don't overreact or upset her - it's never good to lash out at the ones you love.

Sometimes you have to call a 'push' and go on to the next hand. Who knows that winner may come your way. Never will though if you walk away from the game. Its a bitter milestone, but only one none the less. Learn from it and don't close doors. Many happy days await you I'm sure.

Best advice yet.
- Learn from it
- Don't close doors

You're not going to change her mind or get her to realize all the "investment" you have made in her and you. Her "values" have a different view on that, so it's not going to click. By her realizing "it's wrong" it doesn't mean she's willing to give up what she wants. This is about "what she wants."

Not what you want.

It's time to decide what you're going to do with that. Holding on to what is upsetting you isn't going to solve that. You either need to decide to be happy with "what she wants," or to move on and leave her with "what she wants." Not to hurt her or teach her a lesson not to screw those she loves, but to leave her be without you, because it's clear she doesn't care about reciprocating such considerations.

Oh, and if and when you decide to start dating again, limit how you bring this up. You don't want to scare off potential lovers who may be worried you still want her (you will always cherish her) or have some other issues. Leave her issues as her issues, don't take them with you if you decide to leave. That's just how you just gotta be.

It took me a long time to come to these realizations myself. In fact, back in high school, I didn't feel any need to tell my ex-girlfriend about my new loves. In fact, it bothered her tremendously that I didn't give a shit what she thought, despite her wanting to tell me.

You care for her. She doesn't care enough about you to be honest with you, even though it's clear she still wants you in her life. It's probably time to take that away. Be there for her when she really needs someone, but limit it to emergencies. In fact, her having no one while the other guy is out of town might cause her to re-evaluate her values.

If she really wants to be "left alone," that might be the best way to do it. Hell, I'd go out with my friends and line up a date. Maybe even say, "hmmm, I love you, I want to be with you, but maybe it should be 'just the four of us'." Not in spite, but to get her thinking of what she expects of you, but not in return.

 

[Montrealman]

Hmmm, I need to think more.
She called me lst night from the city where her competition is and said she missed me and loved me. I simply said she was sweet but I had to go. I said I was headed to a restaurant she always wanted us to go to but never had the time. I was meeting some buddies from work and as soon as I mentioned the word "we" she asked me right away " Who's we?" I explained and said I would see Saturday when she returns, take care.

That's what's fucked up. As soon as I pull back she comes forward. No more going towards her from now on. She found out a co-worker of mine kissed me on new years eve at our office party. She was pissed! She even asked me if the office slut was still working there & I said no as the 31rst was her lat day.
I will not use logic with my girl anymore, I will only concentrate on how I make her feel as I am now 100% myself again and that's the guy she fell inlove with. I'm not going anywhere so maybe she'll realize it and see it, I think she has as she said she's very proud of me as I've stuck with my inner changes. Maybe there is light at the end but no high hopes.
I've been burned too badly but I always keep my smile.

 

[CptHa]

I've been burned too badly but I always keep my smile.

That is a very good sign MM. I haven't had something like that happen to me so I don't have any advice other than keep on keepin' on. i honestly don't know how i would react in your situation, but I probably would have kicked the girl to the curb, the fact that you have handled this without having to burn any bridges proves that your a stronger man than me. Good Luck, and remember that better days are ahead, even if all hope seems lost.:thumbsup:

 

[Member2019]

Good for you!

I was meeting some buddies from work and as soon as I mentioned the word "we" she asked me right away " Who's we?" I explained and said I would see Saturday when she returns, take care.

Okay, she's not "open minded," she's just downright selfish. She has one-way values. Good for you!

That's what's fucked up. As soon as I pull back she comes forward.

Yep. These are those type of things that she should have talked to you about so you had a better idea. But because she didn't, and now you're finding out the "real" her, it's her loss.

No more going towards her from now on. She found out a co-worker of mine kissed me on new years eve at our office party. She was pissed! She even asked me if the office slut was still working there & I said no as the 31rst was her lat day.

Oh boy! Now I see it!

Get this, I bet she is telling everyone else you "cheated" on her. Yes, she's off saying, "I didn't do anything with that other guy, but he's off cheating with a woman at his office." Fuck her, she probably wants pity -- that's what I was afraid of, but didn't want to assume, based on her confiding in another man and her family.

I will not use logic with my girl anymore, I will only concentrate on how I make her feel as I am now 100% myself again and that's the guy she fell inlove with. I'm not going anywhere so maybe she'll realize it and see it, I think she has as she said she's very proud of me as I've stuck with my inner changes. Maybe there is light at the end but no high hopes.
I've been burned too badly but I always keep my smile.

It hurts, but you're moving forward. You brought out the "real" her, and now you see it.

You still love her. You still cherish what you had with her. But it's clear she doesn't until you pulled back. She took you for granted. She expected you to just sit there and wait for her. And the second you stepped in a direction she didn't want you to, bam!

I'm glad you took this step. It also shows you don't "hate" her or want to do anything "in spite" of her. You just wanted her to "wake up" and now she has. How she reacted tells me a lot about what you're going through at the hands of her selfishness. Whether she continues or not is to be seen.

You're handling it right. You've left the door open, but you're not holding it open for her. She's gotta walk back through the door and actually deal with you. Before she just wanted to left everything to her explanation and nothing else. And in the end, you still may not like the answer.

She probably knew you didn't like the situation. But now she's waking up to the fact that you aren't just going to deal with it, or at least not without her working it out with you. And she's even more realizing that it may not work out. She's decided to knee-jerk react with accusations of cheating -- my, my how things change!

I'm glad, despite the circumstances no one is happy about, that your emotions are not more synchronizing with the sound logic you've always had. That will let you move forward, with or without her. Have "fun" with the alleged "office slut" and never tell your woman anything about what you do or do not do with her. She has no right to ever know.

You still love her, don't let anything or anyone say or tell you otherwise. But you're moving on. Enjoy your life. Don't regret anyone. And don't let anyone make you answer for anything you do. Your love should be enough, and it wasn't for her. I'm not saying go out with this woman and fuck her, but if another woman offers you comfort and intimacy, do what you want as long as you can live with it and not let it bother you later.

I.e., if you still hope your woman returns to you and you only, don't be intimate with another woman during this time if it will bother you later and/or force you to tell her about it. You just never want to sleep with another woman out of spite or hurt. But I know your judgment, and it is sound.

 

[Montrealman]

lol the office slut is gone and I would be very surprised if my girl called it cheating. She knows she was at douchbag's place for 4 days. She said it was rude of the office slut to do that, I said I agreed and left it at that. I think it showes her I too attract others, I always have but I never did anything about it and the "what if" question never went far because I'm loyal, in love and respectful of my girl. Fuck I wish that went both ways. My girl is stuck on the What If theory. You just don't do that while in a relationship and you most certainly don't go explore without resolving anything with your spouse. I gave a lot to her in terms of freedom and space & time.

 

[Member2019]

Age and selfishness ...

That is a very good sign MM. I haven't had something like that happen to me so I don't have any advice other than keep on keepin' on. i honestly don't know how i would react in your situation, but I probably would have kicked the girl to the curb, the fact that you have handled this without having to burn any bridges proves that your a stronger man than me. Good Luck, and remember that better days are ahead, even if all hope seems lost.:thumbsup:

I think it has to do with his age (and her age). A lot of people his age (which is also my age) see more consequences in actions, especially the investment in time with someone's love and consideration. A lot of people her age (which both he and I have also been) tend to not realize, taking things for granted, until they are gone.

It's probably a simplification and may not apply, but ...

I call it the "high school hottie" complex. High school hotties tend to not give a fuck because when some gals/guys have them, and the hottie leaves them, the guys/gals are there still hoping the hottie will return. She is acting like a high school hottie -- believing you'd let her do what she wants and stick around for her.

And the second you don't, she immediately starts talking trash about you. She does this because there were always plenty of guys around to confide in while in high school -- guys who will feel sorry for her because they want an avenue to her too. It's a complete difference in standards and considerations, and extremely selfish of her -- and the constant stream of guys re-enforces this non-sense.

Well, she's in the real world now. Let's see if she realizes it or not. If she does, she'll probably come around sooner than later. Everyone comes around, but some just take a long time.

 

[Member2019]

lol the office slut is gone

Yeah, from work, but you can always call her up. You don't have to do a thing, but you can find a friend. Just don't confide in her, that's always a wrong move (which your woman did). But enjoying the innocent company of another woman, when she did the same, wouldn't be wrong -- it might get her to realize what she could lose.

and I would be very surprised if my girl called it cheating. She knows she was at douchbag's place for 4 days.

Yeah, but you never know what she's saying and confiding to others.

She said it was rude of the office slut to do that, I said I agreed and left it at that. I think it showes her I too attract others, I always have but I never did anything about it and the "what if" question never went far because I'm loyal, in love and respectful of my girl.

Understood. And that's good too. I hope she just sees it.

Fuck I wish that went both ways.

Yep, and that's a problem. Values are relative, but values are about compatibility. Apparently she thinks her values are one-way compatible, and not the other way.

My girl is stuck on the What If theory. You just don't do that while in a relationship and you most certainly don't go explore without resolving anything with your spouse. I gave a lot to her in terms of freedom and space & time.

I honestly think it's time to explore your own "what if" theory. Call the "office slut" up. Tell her you just want an innocent date. Tell her you'd just like the company of another woman for an evening out on the town.

I'm serious. Normally, in a relationship, you don't do this. But in this case, it's time to get your woman to "wake up." She'll probably bitch and moan, especially if the woman is a slut (but you do nothing), and other things. How she reacts will tell you a lot.

But you know your woman better than I. So don't do it if you have reservations.

 

[Montrealman]

If I were to do it, it would be for my girl to notice but that's a double edged sword because then my girl could think "well he's moved on so I too can go ahead with this other guy. That's a chance I don't want to take.

 

[Member2019]

If I were to do it, it would be for my girl to notice but that's a double edged sword because then my girl could think "well he's moved on so I too can go ahead with this other guy. That's a chance I don't want to take.

Depends on how you explain it. Or here's another option ...

Double date? You bring another woman, she brings this other guy. Now that should prove interesting (as long as you can keep your emotions in check)!

If she starts making out with him in front of you, you'll have your answer. She's either doing it to be spiteful, or she really loves him -- in either case, she's using him against you (so don't get made at him).

 

[Montrealman]

No I won't go there and do that. That's not me.
Well I just got an update from her facebook acount and saw all the pics from her competition. She seems to be having a great time, which is good. I know she's not thinking of our situation because she needs to concentrate in order to win and get a great grade, I wish that for her. I'm kind of jealous in a way, lol. I'm not busy until next week so I'm stuck lingering this in my mind. Sucks.

 

[Member2019]

You sound like you're on-the-right-track ...

No I won't go there and do that. That's not me.
Well I just got an update from her facebook acount and saw all the pics from her competition. She seems to be having a great time, which is good. I know she's not thinking of our situation because she needs to concentrate in order to win and get a great grade, I wish that for her. I'm kind of jealous in a way, lol. I'm not busy until next week so I'm stuck lingering this in my mind. Sucks.

Hey, you know her (and yourself) better than I, so that's cool.
Just throwing out considerations for you, not things I think you should do necessarily.

But yeah, I see your love and concern for her, and that's always healthy.
Just don't let yourself get taken advantage of, but you don't sound like you do either.

Try to get your mind on something else -- maybe rent a lot of movies (NetFlicks is great for that, including unlimited on-line now).
And I know you had issues before, but there is always porn too.

 

[Montrealman]

Yes there's porn, there's friends and I have a lot of work & school too. My priorities are intact. So are my values. I question those of my girl right now because se's very alien to me right now.

As always, Thank You Prof.

 

[Montrealman]

More to come as the story unfolds.

 

[boba_fouts]

Wow, my wife of 9 years and mother of my 3 kids isn't worth this much hassle...I know that I'm not.

If she wishes to continue playing these games with you, you need to become aloof to them. Better yet, play along. It will be better for you if you are a participant instead of a recipiant. If she calls, don't jump and get all excited and answer and be all gushy...let it go to voicemail. Relationships aren't just about compromise, but control, and she has you wrapped around her finger. Talk to her on your terms. Calling her just makes you a nag and a bother. Answering her calls makes you a wuss. Calling her back, at your convenience and on your terms, is appropriate thing to do here. Some people might call this manipulative, but your life seems out of control, and this will help you gain some semblance of control. This may turn into worthless phone tag, but that doesn't sound any worse than what you are going through now.

And if all else fails, you'll find someone else...there is always someone else. She isn't the love of your life because she'd be experiencing your life with you if she was.