Separation

[Montrealman]

Cue strickly off her actions!

I do.

[she doesn't initiate calls to yoy

I don't call, she is now the one who calls and writes. I was ok for a while but her needing closure didn't help.
I was ignoring her and succeeding. When I would see her on a bus or walking in my direction, I make sure to avoid avoid avoid.

Whatever man, it's done and I know that. I don't get the reason for missing me so much, her words. Anyhow thanks for the advice though. :thumbsup:

 

[Member2019]

lol the office slut is gone and I would be very surprised if my girl called it cheating. She knows she was at douchbag's place for 4 days. She said it was rude of the office slut to do that, I said I agreed and left it at that. I think it showes her I too attract others, I always have but I never did anything about it and the "what if" question never went far because I'm loyal, in love and respectful of my girl. Fuck I wish that went both ways. My girl is stuck on the What If theory. You just don't do that while in a relationship and you most certainly don't go explore without resolving anything with your spouse. I gave a lot to her in terms of freedom and space & time.

Okay, step away from your feelings for her. Dude, sorry, but you honestly need to.

You don't have to fuck the office slut, but don't dwell on not doing so, for your former lover's sake. She doesn't care. She hasn't cared for a long time. She's paying you lip service, even if she doesn't feel she is, she is. You need to leave her be, move on, let her come back, if she is going to.

I've told you that you need to just not answer the phone if it's her. You need to let her know that you care for her well being, but that doesn't mean you're going to be the caring man she reaches for. That if she's got issues, she needs to work them out with the people she is with, and not those she just wants to be there for her and her only.

You need to cut it off at this point, other than for emergencies. And if she abuses that, then just cut it all off. Honestly, you're still obsessed with what she does and you do not. You don't need to start dating, but you do need to stop dating her or being "loyal" to her in your mind, regardless of whether or not you do anything.

Honestly, you're hurting yourself. She hurt you, yes, but now you're just hurting yourself far worse. It's over. She made her decision. She doesn't want to live with it, but it's time that you made her. Either that, or reside yourself to have a 3-way (or more) relationship that she wants. If you do not, which you have basically and repeatedly stated you do not, you need to drop her from all, new feelings.

Doesn't mean you can't love her. It just means you have to stop caring what she does or thinks. Honestly.

 

[Member2019]

She's abusing the feelings you have for her ...

IWhen I would see her on a bus or walking in my direction, I make sure to avoid avoid avoid.

Don't purposely avoid her. Don't remotely look like it. Not just so you don't look like she doesn't bother you, but in all honesty, just stop letting her bother you. Just say hi and don't stop walking, or add a few other, honest pleasantries as you pass or turn around, and then leave it.

If she complains about that, ask her, "Why is it that after you left me, you still want me to stop everything for you? If you want that, then you need to come back. Until then, please, don't ask me to stop everything for you, it's abusing the feelings I have for you."

And I wouldn't bother explaining that again. If she doesn't get it, nothing you say will get her to realize it. And her whinny non-sense about screwing up your friendship is just her self-bitch for "I want everything my way, everyone else's feelings be damned."

 

[Montrealman]

Okay, step away from your feelings for her. Dude, sorry, but you honestly need to.

You don't have to fuck the office slut, but don't dwell on not doing so, for your former lover's sake. She doesn't care. She hasn't cared for a long time. She's paying you lip service, even if she doesn't feel she is, she is. You need to leave her be, move on, let her come back, if she is going to.

I've told you that you need to just not answer the phone if it's her. You need to let her know that you care for her well being, but that doesn't mean you're going to be the caring man she reaches for. That if she's got issues, she needs to work them out with the people she is with, and not those she just wants to be there for her and her only.

You need to cut it off at this point, other than for emergencies. And if she abuses that, then just cut it all off. Honestly, you're still obsessed with what she does and you do not. You don't need to start dating, but you do need to stop dating her or being "loyal" to her in your mind, regardless of whether or not you do anything.

Honestly, you're hurting yourself. She hurt you, yes, but now you're just hurting yourself far worse. It's over. She made her decision. She doesn't want to live with it, but it's time that you made her. Either that, or reside yourself to have a 3-way (or more) relationship that she wants. If you do not, which you have basically and repeatedly stated you do not, you need to drop her from all, new feelings.

Doesn't mean you can't love her. It just means you have to stop caring what she does or thinks. Honestly.

Prof no offense man but that was a looong time ago. I don't know why you're bringing this up. Concerning me avoiding her, it's because I did go talk to her when he was there and then I found out he was fuming at her because she talked to me and he was getting ready for fighting, I was unaware and I didn't care about him being there. I've also been running into her a lot lately, we both work in the same area so it does happen often, but I need to concentrate on me so I choose not to speak to her. That's it. I'm doing my best to let it all go. Trying to end all contact because that's needed right now. So that's it. Thanks though...:thumbsup:

 

[Will E Worm]

I don't think you should avoid him or her. You should make her think you don't care that she broke up with you and let him know he's going out with a female that could drop him for the next guy she sees.
Also, let him know about the rumor that she's already seeing a few other guys behind his back.

Manipulation is a fine game to play.

 

[LBP 76]

So what you're saying is that you, by default and without exposure, have no respect for most people who post here?

No, that is your interpretation of what I said. And it's wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, if you change your default attitude, You Might find that some of us do have experiences and advice.

I said most posters, not all.

 

[LBP 76]

Okay, step away from your feelings for her. Dude, sorry, but you honestly need to.

You don't have to fuck the office slut, but don't dwell on not doing so, for your former lover's sake. She doesn't care. She hasn't cared for a long time. She's paying you lip service, even if she doesn't feel she is, she is. You need to leave her be, move on, let her come back, if she is going to.

I've told you that you need to just not answer the phone if it's her. You need to let her know that you care for her well being, but that doesn't mean you're going to be the caring man she reaches for. That if she's got issues, she needs to work them out with the people she is with, and not those she just wants to be there for her and her only.

You need to cut it off at this point, other than for emergencies....

I have read very few posts in this thread, but this post seems like very good advice to me.
I would have given you reputation, but it wouldn't let me.

 

[LBP 76]

Prof no offense man but that was a looong time ago. I don't know why you're bringing this up. Concerning me avoiding her, it's because I did go talk to her when he was there and then I found out he was fuming at her because she talked to me and he was getting ready for fighting, I was unaware and I didn't care about him being there. I've also been running into her a lot lately, we both work in the same area so it does happen often, but I need to concentrate on me so I choose not to speak to her. That's it. I'm doing my best to let it all go. Trying to end all contact because that's needed right now. So that's it. Thanks though...:thumbsup:

Or...maybe I should read more posts in this thread before I start giving advice. Good luck Montrealman.

 

[Montrealman]

Or...maybe I should read more posts in this thread before I start giving advice. Good luck Montrealman.

LOL :1orglaugh

Nah you're doing fine.

 

[Member2019]

Prof no offense man

I wouldn't take offense, especially not in this thread from you.

but that was a looong time ago. I don't know why you're bringing this up.

Oh, I saw it referred to again in a recent, so I assumed it happened again. You must have been answering someone else, about that long past even. My apologies.

Concerning me avoiding her, it's because I did go talk to her when he was there and then I found out he was fuming at her because she talked to me and he was getting ready for fighting, I was unaware and I didn't care about him being there.

You're doing very good then. Yeah, he doesn't want to deal with the fact he's inherited the feelings that she won't get go for you. That's not your fault, in fact, it's not even directly her fault either, but he should have known better.

He's pathetic. Laugh at him. Glad you avoided confrontation. Sounds like you're doing very well.

I've also been running into her a lot lately, we both work in the same area so it does happen often, but I need to concentrate on me so I choose not to speak to her. That's it. I'm doing my best to let it all go. Trying to end all contact because that's needed right now. So that's it. Thanks though...:thumbsup:

Be cordial, and that's about it. Sounds like you're doing just fine.

She gets what she deserves.
He gets what he deserves.

You didn't get what you deserved, but you're not handing out any more hurt to yourself by yourself. That's all you can do. Well done.

 

[Member2019]

I have read very few posts in this thread, but this post seems like very good advice to me.

Unlike NASA, missile defense or power generation, I am no expert in matters of love. I have been with the same woman over 14 years, and God knows I don't deserve her, so I'm not one to even know who to "best treat" situations and women (let alone not in dating, separation, etc...).

But thank you for your words, even though I accidentally referred to old info that I thought was newer. Although now you're really starting to remind me of someone else.

I would have given you reputation, but it wouldn't let me.

You can't positive rep someone after you've negatively rep'd them. Rep is rep, however you deliver it.

 

[LBP 76]

You can't positive rep someone after you've negatively rep'd them. Rep is rep, however you deliver it.

I haven't 'negatively rep'd' anyone. I couldn't give you 'rep' because I had given too much over the previous 24 hours.

 

[senob44]

I agree with what Prof and Will E said. Don't specifically avoid this woman. That will keep you thinking about her when you don't have to. Just if you happen to meet her just be nice and pleasant and remind yourself that you don't need or even want to be with her anymore. She has made her decision, and your life is just fine for that. If you ever start to feel fond of her, just think of what her relationship with her new man is: two seriously flawed people coming together and forming a subsequently seriously flawed relationship. You, my friend are above them and above that.

 

[Montrealman]

Thank you Senob44. I'll try to keep that in mind if I do see her.

 

[georges]

If you ever start to feel fond of her, just think of what her relationship with her new man is: two seriously flawed people coming together and forming a subsequently seriously flawed relationship. You, my friend are above them and above that.

True that :yesyes: as the famous saying goes by :"birds of feather flock together" :2 cents: Montrealman, you have integrity, honesty and straightforwardness something these 2 mediocre people will never have and never understand.

 

[Montrealman]

Thank you Georges. Thank you very much.

I swear to God I am not making this up. This morning I had an appointment to go to, which is near her workplace. I have some mail to give her so I called her at work but she wasn't there, left a message. I go to the mall nearby and I go to the restaurants area, I open the door and WHO do I bump into???
I swear I could not make this up. We both laugh and we decide to have lunch together. First thing she says is she had an appointment near MY workplace and called ME but I wasn't there so left a message, LOL. :1orglaugh

She had something on her mind. She explained to me that she needs time away from douchebag because she sees a lot of red flags. Notices now that she misses what she had with me because know she sees she did not really appreciate what we had, she said she made a mistake but of course did use the word mistake.. She didn't say it was a mistake but clearly she's not happy where she is. Thinks maybe the reason she never took all her stuff from here right away is because I'm still on her mind daily and really um....anyhow Dudes it was nice and simple, no crap-talk from either of us and it was ok. I walked her to school and wished her the best. :hatsoff:

 

[Will E Worm]

She had something on her mind. She explained to me that she needs time away from douchebag because she sees a lot of red flags. Notices now that she misses what she had with me because know she sees she did not really appreciate what we had, she said she made a mistake but of course did use the word mistake.. She didn't say it was a mistake but clearly she's not happy where she is.

You cannot get back together with her under any circumstance...:nono:

If she can leave you once for someone then it can and probably will happen again.

She has shown her true self by leaving the first time. For a guy who didn't respect your relationship with her and you know he doesn't respect their relationship or her.

Make her take the rest of her belongings from your home. You have to make her admit she made a bad choice and let her know you two are through.

 

[Member2019]

You cannot get back together with her under any circumstance...:nono:
If she can leave you once for someone then it can and probably will happen again.

I disagree.

Yes, she's got to "re-earn" the trust, and that takes time. You don't want her to come back now. But with time, it can happen.

What you need to do is put forth that you're not concerned with "hurt" at this point, but you're concerned that she couldn't talk to you before or while this happened. Everything else aside, she can't be in a relationship if she's not going to be 100% honest and stay with you through it. She was really stupid to run off to everyone else and talk to them, instead of you.

First thing I knew I had to do before I married my wife was that I never take things outside of us, period. Not my parents, not my friends, no one! Except for cases of abuse, couples survive only if and when they realize everything starts and ends with them, and no one else. It's done me wonders for the almost dozen years I've been married.

She has shown her true self by leaving the first time. For a guy who didn't respect your relationship with her and you know he doesn't respect their relationship or her.
Make her take the rest of her belongings from your home. You have to make her admit she made a bad choice and let her know you two are through.

These two were together for a long time. That doesn't mean you don't just put it all to the side.

I would refrain from any intimacy for a long time, period. I would also force her to treat you as a "roommate" if she moves back. But if she really doesn't do anything with any other guy, and she starts "opening up" over the next few weeks, she may be serious.

Sometimes people do stupid, selfish things. The question is if they realize it. She's never done something like this before. The further question is whether she realizes that honest was at fault here, and she wasn't. That takes time to find out. How serious does she want you? Long-term? Eternal?

Or are you "just better than him" for now? That's also a question that answers everything else negative if true.

 

[KBM]

I had the "D" bomb dropped on me after 24 years of marriage. Talk about being blown away emotionally! It's only been 9 months for me and it's still hard, but it is getting easier. My advice to you would be to move on as best you can and avoid dwelling on it. Time will be the only thing that will take away the pain. Even then, the wound is just under the surface. It's a helluva lot like dealing with the death of a partner.

 

[Will E Worm]

I disagree.

Yes, she's got to "re-earn" the trust, and that takes time. You don't want her to come back now. But with time, it can happen.

You can disagree. But, he can't take her back. :tongue:

She's already dumped him for another guy and after she knew how the other guy felt and now she wants to come back because the guys a jerk.

Forget that. She's made her choice.

Montrealman, has more respect for himself than to take her back.