Well, thank you all.
Will E, I'm sure by now she feels she made the right move going off with him because in her eyes I was a baby about it and I became bitter towards her and a creep. I am officially the hated ex-boyfriend. The jerk she cannot believe she went out with. Can't say she's wrong about me becoming a creep to her but I think that's because I never saw it coming, I was shocked as hell, really, then depressed and then angry.
It's hard to keep those emotions in, I know. But you just have to do it.
That's why I've always reserved judge of her on many aspects, because I've only heard your side of the story. I have to disagree with The Worm on some of those feelings. I've kept that reality in mind with every single one of my posts.
At the same time, there are clear inconsiderations on her part, and it's clear she wants to be confrontational. That's bad, and she's going out-of-her-way to hurt you, while still trying to reap the benefits of your friendship. She knows that bringing her boyfriend over will only cause issues, and without you even demonizing her on other situations,
her own actions speak for herself without you having to point them out.
You have to be calm and reasonable. Again, I would pre-empt her visit to move by calling her father and asking him to come over instead. Do not even remotely complain about her to him, he won't listen, and it will nix the deal. Just tell him that if she needs a man to help her, you'd hope he'd come over instead of her boyfriend.
All of that & I tried to win her back at the same time. Did a horrible job of that but she did some pretty shitty moves too.
I think your desire to "win her back" was part of the problem that she then used against you. I.e., she kept using you as someone who cared for her, and that's how she caused additional pain for you. Sometimes it's just best to completely let someone go, especially for your emotions. Once she made "her choice," you should have done that, and not let her keep your emotions and your charity as if she was still with you, while clearly being with the other guy.
And, as you said, you made yourself into a jerk as a result. In reality, you were probably no worse than her, but she won't see that. She only sees "all you did to her" and you can't change that except how you act now. You've probably given her all the excuses she needs, regardless of what she caused and how she "used" your care and love early on. Nothing you can do about it, and getting upset only makes it worse.
Sorry to put it that way, but you seem to already know the truth of that.
I've got to find a subletter for this apartment, I'm late in every payment there is, my contract was not renewed at the last miunte so I'm busting for a new job, a new place and all for April 26. That is so very soon.
I am stressed out to the max every waking moment, unless it's Friday night and I'm drinking to numb myself, which I had stopped doing for over 2 years but that's irrelevant.
Well, I never drank, so I can't comment on that. But I do not recommend you fall into old habits on account of her. Honestly, don't do anything on account of her.
I hope everything else in your life works out. Just remember she is
not a priority anymore, and that includes not even reserving the time to consider her in your own mind. Honestly. Best thing for you.
I did go out on dates, it was cool but in hindsight I wasn't ready. Won't be ready until the problems above are taken care of but it's going to happen soon. Very soon. Maybe I did put this all on my shoulders but I feel zero shame for believing in her and trying for her. My dedication was not unnoticed yet it made no difference in the slightest. Karma though. Karma.
The problem is that she doesn't look at your dedication like you do.
In fact, each little transgression you made against her basically nullified everything you did for her. Doesn't matter if her transgressions were far worse, let alone she honestly didn't give a flying fuck for anyone but herself at any time, she has told herself that "she was right in leaving your fucked up ass." She's told herself this and there's no way anyone can say otherwise.
And I'm sure her new boyfriend isn't. At the same time, as I told you,
laugh at the fact that she is already complaining about her new boyfriend to you! Seriously. Relationships aren't build on complaining about others to anyone but the person you have a problem with. Sounds like she doesn't want a relationship, just someone to be with, possibly leech off of and use "until something better comes along" -- at least in attitude.
The very fact that your woman changed, in a way that you did not remotely expect,
tells you the very reality that the woman you loved is gone! I.e., even if you could "win her back," she's not the same woman you loved. So at this point, all you can do is avoid her and then only treat her like a lady when you have to deal with her. Don't roll over for her, and keep your wit and reasoning about you (e.g., don't let her boyfriend help her move), but just realize she's gone in mind and heart, she is no longer the person you loved.
As far as dates, it's up to you. But given your long-term relationship, it sounds like you want to date in the hope of another, and not just to "have a good time." If the former, then you probably don't want to date. But there's nothing wrong with the latter, as long as you realize you probably won't be able to "attach" yourself to anyone. Lust is good and fine as long as you realize it's just lust. Otherwise, yeah, you're probably right, you're not ready to date again.
Thanks for the tap on the back guys. I know this has all been only from my side, absolutely, but I thank you for your comments and advice, always!
MM :hatsoff:
Time put the pedal to the metal.
Trust me, I
have been critical of what you have done, and I'm sure you haven't admitted everything.
So all I've gone on is what considerations she has made and her actual actions, not the smaller aspects which I'm sure there is great tension, I'm sure. I've tried to remind you to not give any insults, try to interject reason as "your excuse" where her emotions are currently ruling her, including a very, noticeable "confrontational" approach she has (that comes out with her actions, not how she's said something).
Oh and she will only leave me her key when she is all packed and ready to go for good this weekend. There will never be a reason again for her to come here, so I don't have to scare her with that.
Honestly, at this point, call someone you trust in her family or a mutual friend. You need ...
A) Her key immediately, she is
not living there, so she should
not have it.
Alternative (and I recommend you do it anyway, regardless): Change the locks
now!
B) To have her get her stuff out ASAP, and it's best for her to bring "a mutual friend" (or someone of reason, like her father)
At this point, you need to "protect yourself" and you need to do A&B. Change the locks, call someone you trust (and she does as well, like I said, fathers are a good move) and get this fucking thing over with -- for your own emotions and sanity.
