Some Entertainment.

[JayJohn85]

Disclaimer
If any overtones or views can be construed. My only defence. Well quite frankly PC shit is not funny. And everyone has gotten a touch. Fair is fair.
Central character is hardly a ethical one by anyone's standards.

I decided to post this because quite frankly it's my first foray. It is the work of a warped mind. I am no longer emotionally attached to it. Its the tip of the iceberg I am moving into books then onto this crap again.

First draft.

Soundtrack
Track listing that greatly enhances the whole experience is as follows:
1. Take That- The Flood. Opening scene.
2. Helloween- Mr Torture. London underground interlude.
3. Animals- House of the rising sun. House of Rising members (1657) scene.
4. Billy Idol- White Wedding. Ext house at 1300 Carroll Avenue. Los Angeles
5. The Dead Kennedy's- I Fought The Law. Bear's Lair California.
6. Assault On Precinct 13 main theme (original) Carroll Avenue. The Street.
7. Billy Idol- White Wedding. Milton's house Carroll Avenue.
8. Black Eyed Peas- Meet Me Halfway. World War 2 fight collage.
9. R.E.M- The End Of The World. Closing sequence.

Ext. milky way galaxy

The Milky Way Galaxy.

Over this, we hear the voice of the evil god llu limnu.

LLU LIMNU(V.O)

Humanity. A bunch of primitive apes. Children with pointy sticks. Destined to poke eyes out. Moronic multiplication and self ego indulgence.

The spiral arm Orion. Then onto the solar system.

So easily manipulated with. Rick rolled. Seduced. Buggered.

Planet Earth.

(Yawn)

I tire of this gig. It really is such a quaint little ball of mud.


Oh. Silly me.


I've been through this sort of thing before. Just in different realities. Rather simple really. Once you've seen one. You've seen them all. Feel like I'm owed a t-shirt or something.

(Sigh)

I guess I should see what the locals are at? After all I've got to begin the good work!

(Maniacal laughter)

Things are starting to look up.

EXT. Southern Mesopotamia. Babylon- Night(time immemorial)

(Beside river Euphrates. Irrigated well tended fields. Mud brick constructs. Engraved with various Sumerian glyphs.)

Top down view of the city. Rotates around entirety of the city. Then across the sky to show Orion's belt. Stars line up humorously.

Into window of a humble Sumerian hovel. Folks are asleep. Moves out window back out onto the street. Looks around if lost. Finds route. Moves past other structures until it reaches the door of the high priest's opulent mausoleum.

(Pristine marble vertical cylinders topped with statues of Marduk slaying the primordial worm adorn his door. Ivory stone.)

LLU LIMNU(V.O)

Ah cousin Tiamat. Ugly as hell. Complete lack of. A personality. A snail has more charisma.

Utterly lacking in subtly and manners. Even chaos has its level of propriety.


Fucking amateur.

Let's go upstairs. There's a good chance that bumbling fool is up to something interesting.

Upstairs into the master bedroom. The high priest is found engaged upon a sordid act. Having sexual relations with the vestal virgins. One on top of his rather robust form while the other is sitting on his face. Obfuscated somewhat by silk drapes. Two more scantily clad vestal virgins standing at the side of the bed. Awaiting there master's summons. Two guards flank the doorway. Over this we hear.

LLU LIMNU(V.O)

Pffft the man literally has no imagination. His lack of creativity perplexes me. The sooner I rid myself of these philistines. Disgusting. Thorns in my backside.

(Audience regards the scene. Implied contemplation though we really aren't sure)

Outside quick. Dusk approaches.

 

[JayJohn85]

Ext. Outside

Sun rise. Laborers heading out to the fields to commence their day of toil. Idylic. Ploughs. Humble. Others of higher standing making their way to the central pyramid.

(A Ziggurat. Examples of advanced agricultural techniques. Philosophy and masonry. Currency, Commerce and roads. Hallmarks of an advanced civilization.)

High priest comes out. Makes his way down the street towards the temple with the vestal virgins in tow.

(Ornate collars adorning their necks. Jewelled and rune covered. A thin silver chain runes between them connecting the vestals virgins. Ensuring escape is highly unlikely.)


Walking past various people engaged in their daily routines. Greets a few.

(Guards within his personal retinue.)


high priest

Morning! Another glorious day!

Raises hand to others to show acknowledgment. Nods head to others.

commoner #1

The sun blazes vehemently this day my lord.

Laments loudly about his personage.

high priest

Praise! Holy Marduk for in his infinite wisdom he has seen fit to grace us with such. Such fortune.

(High priest adorned in finely woven robes. Suede dyed purple. Many rings adorn his fingers.Jet black hair. Middle aged.)


Reaches bottom of temple. Various devotee's engaged upon synchronized dance. Similar to a rain dance only incorporating contemporary movements. High priest's favorite crony at base of the temple enthusiastically dancing a hybrid of Napoleon dynamite and Michael Jackson.

ext. Ziggurat

high priest

Greetings Shulgi. I see you are excited about this year's procession.

(Facial and Arm tattoo's denoting his standing within Sumerian society.)

High five.

Shulgi

Of course! After all I am a pious man.

Hits chest single tap with both hands slowly to denote himself.

(Similar to Jack Black's partner from Nacho Libre.)


high priest

If only everyone would show such faith. Such devotion. I'd believe we would all be better off.


Right! Must be off. Must not keep the gods. Or our captive audience waiting.

Looks around.

People have started to gather around the base of the pyramid. To see this year's procession. High priest's favorite crony approaches one of the vestal virgins.

shulgi

Would it be OK if I was to maybe inquire about your well-being after this?

vestal virgin #1

Yea I guess. I guess that would be OK.

High priest ascends temple stairs. Pulling robes up slightly.

(Difficult due to his robust figure.)


Looks around awkwardly. Motions for guards to follow then tugs on chain to ensure undivided attention of the vestal virgins. Crony motions "call me" to vestal virgin #1 then returns to fervent dance in tune with the others along the temple ridges.

Pans out to show barely recognizable figures.

high priest (V.O)

Why so many fucking steps?

Reaches top. Two other priests awaiting. Atop temple standing side by side to the right of the podium. Vestal virgins lined up near edge. Top of the steps. Facing two priests. Guards to either side. High priests walks towards other priests.

(Central podium glyphed with statue of Marduk. Podium visible in center.)

 

[JayJohn85]

ext. Atop ziggurat

orange priest

Amar-sin! This year's offerings look tired. Yet another example of your incompetence! My schedule is really rather busy. If you aren't going to take these gatherings seriously I shall have to remove them from my diary.

(Dyed orange robes. Visage concealed by hood. Glyphed to show devotion to his god within the Sumerian pantheon.)

high priest amar-sin

Rest assured. Aanapada. This year's harvest shall be bountiful. Like it is every year. Holy Marduk will not deny his humble devoted. Servants.

golden priest eannatum

Can we get on with it? As you can see I am pretty much incognito. My flock would lose faith if they found out I was receiving spiritual advice from another temple.

Looks around. Seems to be scanning the crowd with vigilance. An art as he is hooded.

(Dyed golden runes. Visage concealed by hood. Glyphed to show devotion to his god within the Sumerian pantheon.)


Clasps hands. Nods to priests then faces down towards the crowd.

high priest amar-sin

Beloved devotee's! The time of procession is at hand. Lord Marduk has seen in his infinite beneficence. That the march of progress continue unabated for our proud and great civilization.

(A second or two elapses.)


Assembled audience

Fervent cheers!

HIGH PRIEST AMAR-SIN

We must show our appreciation!

ORANGE PRIEST AAnapada

Lets keep this brief this year Amar-sin! Spare ceremony.

LLU LIMNU(O.S in priests head)

It is I. Lord Marduk! You must show gratitude immediately!


A good start will be the sacrifice of these women. Push. Push them down the stairs.

At which point the two priests along with the high priest position themselves in front of the vestal virgins. Mild confusion among the vestal virgins. A guard also positions himself on the realization that their are indeed four vestal virgins.

vestal virgins

What's going?

GOLDEN PRIEST EANNATUM

Oh nothing really. It's easy. Just stay still.

Priests look at each other. So does the guard. Following this is a synchronized shove. The vestal virgins tumble down the steep staircase accompanied with many audience satisfying bone crunches and slapstick wriggling. Intertwining of bodies. Rain dancers along ridges begin anew with intense vigor.

ASSEMBLED AUDIENCE

Ohhhhhhh Ahhhhhhh

Bodies reach bottom. High priests crony does a spin just as they meet the ground. Upon last thud he does a Michael Jackson kick. Priests immediately warm to each other. Entire demeanor changing.

aanepada

A finer spectacle I have not seen since the elder days!

Slaps back.

No hard feelings old chap? I'm going to definitely come back next year. If you permit?

amar-sin

Of course! I always welcome company.

Eannatum

Shit! I think someone down there recognizes me.

(Looking down intensely. Scanning the crowd.)

LLU LIMNU(V.O)

Suckers! I've been doing this every year for some time. Should have enough voodoo hoodoo saved up. Now....

Earth starts to rumble. Cracking the street making its way towards the temple. Cracks also run along the river bank. People panic and start to flee. Sky darkens. Rain starts to pour heavily with thunder.

amar-sin

What is happening? I didn't think our rain dancers where. Where that good?

aanepada

You! You did this! Couldn't keep your debased carnal desires in check.

(Pointing finger accusingly.)

For one fucking night? Amar-sin!

(Shouting/Screaming at him.)


amar-sin

But I always have my way with the vestal virgins. I can't see how it is even a factor?


It didn't matter before.


Eannatum

I suppose it doesn't matter much now.

(Musing more to himself. Non-attentive of the unfolding drama.)

Hole opens up. Most of the city falls in. A tidal wave springs fourth from the river for good measure leaving behind a mound of muck.

llu limnu (V.O)

Sweet. Sweet Antiquity.


They sure as hell won't be dancing again.

 

[L3ggy]

Tip of Anita Ekberg?

 

[JayJohn85]

havent even finish yet only got back on formatting all fucked using celtx.....Damn keyboard died on my other computer

 

[JayJohn85]

INT. london underground- present(2011)

Faded music. Moving down deserted tunnels. We reach a secluded underground lair.

(Yellow. Faded along the walls. Some walls covered in bastardized scrawls/graffiti. Cultist graffiti scribbled over contemporary. "Lucky sevens" Broken glass, Alcohol, Rats scurrying. Godhead clearly scrawled. Title of the movie.)

Moving into the center of the room. Various figures. Milton Keys our protagonist/antagonist along with his main man in the center. Front of pentagram.

(A pentagram of the celestial variety is on the ground. At each of the five points is a rune depicting one of the deadly sins. Two runes. One at each side of the pentagram depicting number six and seven.)

Antiquated ghetto blaster.(80s) Faded music from earlier. Now clearly blasting out heavy metal.

We move around taking a cursory glance at each scene occurring at each of the runes. Focus shifts to Milton Keys out protagonist/antagonist. Music fades so we can take in the unfolding drama.

(Jet black hair. Crimson robes. Blue eyes. Average height and build. Middle aged.)

milton Keys(V.O cont'd)

Oh Hai. Just little old me. Another statistic. Well I would have been. It's quite the tale.


Don't worry we'll get to it. Before that though I feel I owe you a explanation.


Yep. Its time.


Time to separate the little boys from the men.

At which point our protagonist/antagonist regards the unfolding drama's.

MILTON KEYS cont'd

From here on out it is imperative

(Speckle of saliva comes out of his mouth. Screaming the word nearly.)

You comprehend who your commander is. I am the daddy. I am the alpha and the omega. In this room nothing happens unless I want it to.


Has the gravity of this situation. Gravity hm. Gravity? Yea. Has it got you sucked in?

(Sumerian tattoo's. A line running across each cheek meeting the eyes almost Celtic)


MANNY

For sure.

(Nodding. Standing beside Milton to his right. Main man.)

MILTON KEYS cont'd

Good. Lets rock!

(Laments across the room entirety of speech.)

First rune Anger. Shifts to find a man in cultist garb. Branding another man with a hot poker.

(Simon is donning red cultist garb. The victim is clothed except for a shirt. He is topless where the branding is taking placed. Gagged.)

MILTON KEYS(V.O cont'd)

That guy with the poker.


Would be Simon.

(A second or two elapses.)

It seems the victim had the misfortune of running over his pet dog.

(This sinks in.)

Woah bad move. Never did catch the victim's name. Damn look at Simon go!

SIMON

He had a life of his own! You fucking piece of shit. I hope this hurts cause I've been hurtin'

Angry sobs.

Victim

Muffled screams!

SIMON

Fuck. I'm wrecked. Yodel neighbor. How are you?

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

Naturally when he explained his situation I was more than willing to help. Quite understanding really.


Actually that's a lie. To be frank I think I killed my first pet. Spot.


Woah nostalgia! Lets move on. Shall we? Tempus fugit and all that.

milton keys cont'd

Simon I hope your not getting tired? Tinie would be gravely disappointed. Now put some back into it!

Prod, prod, prod.

victim

Muffled screams.

milton keys cont'd

Much better.

(Genetic re-occurence of key ancestor's we the audience meet later)

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

Where were we? Ah yes.

Second rune Greed. Shifts to find two cultists. One counting money. The other cataloging a variety of "acquired" goods ranging from electronics to antiques.

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

A good capitalist will always find a way to profit even when engaged upon his favorite past times.


Finding a fence for all that. Could be difficult.

Third rune Sloth. Shifts to find a geeky looking guy crouched over his computer pawning various "noobs" on World of Warcraft.

(Crisp packets, Fizzy juice and other consumables scattered about his personage. Cliched geek.)


Seymore

Hugh Hefner is the man. You losers probably have never seen a pussy. Die! Die you horde heffers! I'm the fucking Hoff of Wow. The knight rider.

Focuses on computer screen. We see alliance paladin owning a horde tauren shaman.

milton keys (v.O cont'd)

Love that guy. Totally oblivious to his surroundings. Co-operation at it's best.

milton keys cont'd

Hey Seymore! How's it going in the valley today?

Seymore

Not now Milton! We're moving on Drek'thar. Such virginal noobs these hordes. I miss the good old days.

(A second or two elapses.)

Ach I suppose it could be worse. I still got it.

I roll my head over my keyboard. Stuff dies. I'm a connoisseur of destruction.

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

I'll miss this guy but jesus. Hm mm blasphemous. Nice. Soon he will be enjoying a seriously unhealthy dose of reality. It's about to get real. Real real for him. Ha ha ha.


Shit.

Fourth rune Pride. A manuscript written on it's cover page is "godhead"

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

No need to elaborate. Moving swiftly. Lest Icarus falls.

(A second or two elapses.)

Perhaps I've said too much.

Fifth rune Lust. Shifts to see a woman tied up. A cultist is beating her over the head with a life size black dildo.

(It is evident to the audience that this is an attractive woman. Scattered about her are men's magazines some of them pornographic. Censored blocked somewhat.)


milton keys cont'd

Give it to her Eric! Oh taboo. Love it. Love it. Someone is going to get sued.

MILTON KEYS (V.O cont'd)

She really should have returned my fan mail.


Well. It's not me slightly upset this time. Ha an understatement. I'm just too much. Heh.

Sixth rune Envy. A naked man. His downstairs is censor blocked it is evident to the audience that it is extraordinarily large.

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

Fuck! If only we where all as blessed. Never fails to shock. Damn. Let's not dwell.

(Whispers. In his head. Over exaggerated.)

People might notice.

Seventh rune Gluttony. Shifts to find enormously fat guy sitting in custom diapers. Stuffing his face with junk food.

milton keys (V.O cont'd)

Don't you just love corporate franchises? Taking this guy in. Well it's a public service. Less pressure on the NHS.

We the audience once again regard the whole scene. The faded out music starts playing again. We get the impression that all the activities are somewhat synchronized. Screen split.


Over this, We hear

MILTON KEYS cont'd

Come on people! You think summoning a extra planar entity is easy? Show some enthusiasm for fucksake.


There won't be any bonuses this year!

At which point two more cultist's rush to Simon with a trolley carrying various torture implements. Seymore's kill ratio of horde dramatically increases and the cultist over seeing our resident porn star is handed a giant rabbit by another cultist.

(Attached to car batteries another cultist provided via the trolley along with the rabbit. The noise proves most irritating when held up to her ears.)

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

Fine craftsmanship. Yep that took some doing. Argh the noise is even irritating me. And I am like. Way over here.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Excellent folks keep it up. That's the spirit!

Lights flickers. Train runs across causing this. Highly disruptive at which point Milton actually acknowledges the man to his right.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Was I not specific? I declared that the lair be secluded. Quiet and for nothing. I mean nothing. Disrupt this delicate process! I know I did. I fucking heard myself saying it! Where in all this does a fucking


A fucking train?

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

Where did I find this guy?

manny

It was the best we could do on such short notice. Boss. It is the London underground.

(Black. A walking tank on legs.)

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

OK folks its a wrap. We have to start from scratch. You fucking philistines. Can you comprehend how delicate this process is? Manny. Yes you. Please dispose of the trash.

At which point Manny pulls out two. Silver desert eagles. We see written on the side "Rectifier" and on the other "Vanish". He proceeds to shoot the porn star, fat guy, the branded neighbor(what's left of him) and penis guy. When it comes to Seymore.

Over this, we hear

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Spare Seymore. I kind of like him. Plus I really fucking hate the horde. How dare they grief me. Me. Anyway he probably wouldn't register it. Dude needs to get laid.

Rest of cultists start picking up the money and the goods.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Don't forget my manuscript!

LLU LIMNU (V.O)

Milton you snotty nosed punk. How dare you fail me. You must be unaware of the consequences. No one could be that potently moronic.


Natural selection would not allow such a weed to exist? Surely not in this savage garden. Perhaps I should right such. Such a travesty?

At this point Milton goes all starry eyed. The rest of his cultist's continue packing up. Manny is beside him polishing his guns while admiring his handy work. Seymore continues on normally. The room is a complete mess. Pure carnage. While this goes on.

In his head we hear

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

Don't worry lord. I will not fail you again. It's just. Look at what I have to work with? I am an artist for fucksake. This depressing motley crew has sir suppressor written all over it.

LLU LIMNU (V.O)

Excuses! The dog ate my book. I need a new part for my car. It didn't rain this year. I am medically unwell. I've heard them all! Do not fail me next time. The consequences could prove rather unpleasant. It's not a charity I'm running here. The work put into your family line. Better prove fruitful Milton. Do you hear me? I would hate to have to raise my voice.

 

[JayJohn85]

black forest germany hermetic order of ignotus(1659)

(Secluded monastery. Forest clearing. Enough for fields ensuring self sufficiency. Walled, Big oak door barring entrance.)

Carriage making its way through rough trail. It is apparent from the carriage that the person who resides inside it is a man of some affluence. Carriage driver pulls wagon up alongside door. To his side sits a ex-Janissary type.

(Protection ensuring they where not robbed.)

Carriage driver and ex-Janissary jump down. Carriage driver knocks on big oak doors.

Carriage driver

Greetings! It's the master Von Stoyan's carriage.

Ex-Janissary staring about him nervously. Playing with his matchlock musket.

(Owls tweet and other ominous nightly forest sounds. A wolf's howl etc)


Bolt hole closes. We hear noise. The door being un-barred from the other end.

Pinguis walks out towards the carriage. The driver opens the door for Otto. At which point he steps down.

(Colourful attire typical of the time period. More like a preening peacock instead of a man. Jet black hair. Blue eyes. Average height and build. Middle aged.)


Pinguis is somewhat taken aback by this.

pinguis

Master Von Stoyan. Welcome to our humble monastery. I hope you find the enlightenment you seek. As have all who have walked it's hallowed halls.

(Robust figure. Underlying the barrel chested fat is the hint that this man is rather strong. Bearded and rather hairy in general. Brown simple robes. Icon on right breast denoting the order. Brown hair cut into monk style.)


otto von stoyan

Charmed! Now about my luggage?

PINGUIS cont'd

You won't need it! Possessions are not allowed.

Motions to carriage driver and Janissary.

You may leave now. You presence won't be required. Now Mr Von Stoyan if you would be only so kind as to accompany me.

At which point Otto follows Pinguis into the monastery with only the attire on his back. They walk past various fields and gardens all well tended. It becomes clear to Otto that this order is quite vast. They approach the main building which is surprisingly quite intricate and ornate. They enter a open hallway.

INT. temple ignotus- night

(Within the hallway are various statues, paintings and other decorations denoting the history of the order.)


They make their way to the main hall. Within are the main monks of the order lined up left and right. In the center is a man. We can only assume is the head of the order.

(Behind him is an altar. Behind it is a banner. On the banner is a large sun icon showing rays going upwards. On the altar is a ornate silver dagger and chalice. And a very old musky book.)

high prelate percontor

Welcome to our esteemed monastery Otto Von Stoyan. (Disdain.)


Within these walls we will find the answers together. Here in this fortress of wisdom and solitude. The trappings of wealth. Desire. Earthly delights. Hold no sway.

At which point we the audience see a monk swimming in a big indoor swimming pool filled turkish delights. Grabbing bars and throwing them around. Kissing some like they where gold.

We've always been here. Before anyone there was Ignotus. We where present when Rome was sacked by homeless morons. We where present at the great bonfire of London.

At which point we the audience see a horde of contemporary homeless people. Charging the ranks of Roman legionnaire's out in the fields. Armed with a small armory of junk. Ranging from buckfast bottle's(other liquer's) to shopping trolley's. A ignotus monk is jeering them on. Behind the lines of course.


Before that we oversaw Fu Manchu build the great wall of china. Before that we formented the Trojan war.

Switches to a scene reminescent of troy. Command tent at the initial planning of the war.

ignotus monk

That whore has stained the good name of Greece! She even made a pass at me. A holy man.

agamemnon

See brother's. We must push for war. We must push for war fast and hard.


Since time immemorial our eyes have beheld all. That whore Helen. The sinking of those pretentious ass-holes at Atlantis. It could not have happened to better people.

We see a Ignotus monk outside a bathing tub. Rubber duck. Model of Atlantis. Toy battleship's. Total contamination. He's playing with toy boats. Then suddenly gets up with maniacal laughter. Pulls a wooden plug out of the tub. The water starts to drain causing a whirlwind which sucks Atlantis in.


We have witnessed the construction of pharaohs pyramids. Nothing has passed that has not felt our hand.

(Grey hair cut into monk fashion. Crystal clear green eyes almost eery. Plain brown robes with same symbol on right breast except on the left is another symbol denoting his status. Reasonable voice.)

OTTO VON STOYAN

Not so sure about the chronology. But erm I am honored. I guess.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Silence! Before you can be given your sacred robes and initiated into the temple.


We usually start off with a little ice breaker. So that we all understand who it is that you are Otto Von Stoyan. Now tell us brother. What are your sins my child? Do not worry. You are among friends.

OTTO VON STOYAN

My sins? All of them? Erm.

Flashback to:

int. london. house of rising members(1657)

(Table. Mugs and spilt ale. Poler cards. Saucy knaves. Usual assortment of riff raff.)

Three men. One of which is Otto. Playing cards. Two saucy knaves alongside Otto. Heavy petting.

All cards have been dealt. Otto has been cheating.

rising members patron #1

I fold.

RISING MEMBERS PATRON #2

Time to pay the piper Von Stoyan. I hope your credit is good.

Drops a killer hand.

(Otto. Cocky grin)

Grabs one of the saucy knaves. Pulls her onto his lap. Bends her and him down for a snog. Comes back up and drops his hand.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Damn I'm on fire. Figuratively speaking. I mean if I was actually on fire. I'd probably be quite upset.

Starts to rake up winnings much to the dismay of his opponents.

RISING MEMBERS PATRON #2

Not yet Von Stoyan. Not yet. Another fucking win? You bastard cheat. There is no way you can win six in a row.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Are you questioning my integrity? Darlings I do believe this man just questioned my moral fibre.

saucy knaves

(Shocked dismay)

OTTO VON STOYAN

That's the kind of thing a man might take personal. Real fast.

At which point the two patrons jump up off their seats. One throws down his glove. On the table. Everyone looks at it.

(The meaning is clear)

Otto fires off a pistol he had hidden under the table. Killing Patron #2. The kickback from the shot sends him over his chair. Him on the turned over chair and two saucy knaves sprawled out on the ground.

General fracas. Police have busted into the den. Patron #1 decides now is a good time to make a hasty exit.

Otto makes hasty exit with two saucy knaves.

(His trousers darkened by the blast)

OTTO VON STOYAN

Damn that was close.

SAUCY KNAVES

Good. Your going to need that later.

(Points down.)

INT. TEMPLE IGNOTUS- NIGHT

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Thank you for sharing that with us Otto.

(Low reasonable voice. Slight facial ticks suggesting contortion.)

You wretched dog! Bow down for forgiveness. We'll soon drive such debased depravity out of you.

(Complete transformation. It is evident he is a Jekyll and Hyde type.)

See this dog to his quarters. Ensure he is presentable. A nice hair cut and shave. And for the love of all that is holy get rid of that peacock outfit. Its use of colors. Offends me. Greatly

Pinguis and various monks set upon Otto dragging him kicking and screaming down to his quarters if they can be called that. Rather a dank cell with some straw as a mattress. Completely sparse.

They strip him. Bring in wash materials. They als bring ni materials for him to shave. Throw brown robes in. Door slams shut. Bolt hole opens.

PINGUIS

See to your hygiene quick. get dressed. A brother shall be along shortly to style your hair.

int. otto's quarters/cell- night

(Things are pretty bleak)

Examines his robes. Examines surroundings which isn't very interesting. Shaves and washes.

Bolt hole slides open.

PINGUIS

Are you ready? You cretin. The brother is here to style your hair.

Doors flies open. In walks another monk with tools and materials on a basic wooden trolley used for cutting hair.

(Some of which look quite scary)


benignus

(Whispers)

Don't worry this pretty much happens to all new comers. Now let's see. Much better wouldn't you agree?

(Similiar to Jack Black's partner from Nacho Libre)

Hair cut. Pinguis comes into cell.

PINGUIS

Benignus pack up your shit and get out! You snivelling worm. Otto we rise at dusk. You should get some sleep. Remember besides the high prelate I am the law around these parts. A fact I take great pleasure in reinforcing.

Punches Otto on the arm.

OTTO VON STOYAN

That hurt.

PINGUIS
Night. Night. Sweet Stuff.

 

[JayJohn85]

int. hall. temple ignotus- dusk

A row of monks kneeling at the altar procrastinating. The high priest is at the altar.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Welcome Otto. Ah good. It heartens me. To see you so presentable.


Did you know? They say breakfast is the most important meal in the day. Unfortunately for you. Ritual fasting begins. Now.


You will enjoy a meal at noon. Take your place amongst the others.

Otto takes his place in a space the monks created in their kneeling line.

Preaches some sort of sermon. Otto is shocked. He was under the impression this was a christian monastery of Roman catholic origin.

(Lamenting the sun. Turns out they are pagan worshipers of the sun.)

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

You may now go. Your day of toil begins. After all a monastery doesn't run itself. Pinguis over see that all is well.

EXT. temple ignotus. fields.- morning

Various monks in other fields. Otto is along with Benignus planting potatoes.

BENIGNUS

You'll get used to it here. It's not so bad.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Are you kidding me? Have you ever been outside these walls?

BENIGNUS

My mother fled here. She died giving birth to me. I've never been outside the monastery walls.

OTTO VON STOYAN

I am sorry for your loss.

BENIGNUS

Its OK I hardly remember my mother.

OTTO VON STOYAN

You have never left these walls? The only life you have ever known is toil in these fields and ritual? Never known a woman? Got drunk? Played a game of chance? Fought your first duel?

BENIGNUS

Nope.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Pin-hole pornography? They've got lens now. Deliciously decadent. Christ man. Anything?

BENIGNUS

None of these things you speak of.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Such oppression. Shit. How boring is it in this shithole?

PINGUIS

Less kissy kissy. Back to work you wretches.

INT. TEMPLE IGNOTUs hall- noon

We go through the main hall in through a doorway. Which leads to another secondary hall.

(Long tables. Two with various monks lining them. Seated.)

OTTO VON STOYAN

Such meager fare. Can this place get more depressing?

(Mugs of water. Bread and cheese.)

BENIGNUS

You can have some of my cheese Otto if you want?

OTTO VON STOYAN

No its OK. I think I will.(moldy cheese) pass.

Dedecus

Hey. Who's the new guy Benignus?

BENIGNUS

Otto this is Dedecus. Dedecus I'd like to introduce Otto Von Stoyan. He just recently arrived.

DEDECUS

Otto? Oh he must not be initiated then. That explains the normal name.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Initiated?

DEDECUS

Yea you get a groovy Latin name after initiation. Usually one that has a connection to your personal characteristics. As to what actually happens. I am not allowed to speak of it.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Really? I suppose that's interesting. The names I mean. What does yours mean? I'm fluent in many languages except dead ones. Heh I jest. What does it actually mean?

DEDECUS

Ahh well that's a long story. No need to bore you with the details. Let's just say they aren't usually complimentary. (sigh) what nick names are?

(Weasel.)


At this point Pinguis rudely lands down beside the others causing quite a stir. Others in the hall take a look. Forks. Knives. Mugs and plates seem to jump up. Rattle somewhat when they meet the table again.

PINGUIS

Hello ladies. How's the new boy? Crying for his mommy yet?


Do tell us Von Stoyan. How did such a prissy boy like you.

(Brief pause. Points actually making contact with his finger repeatedly.)

End up here?

OTTO VON STOYAN

Not very interesting a tale to regale. I imagine you would find it really boring. Lets spare you such nonsense. Shall we?

PINGUIS

Modesty? I don't believe that's within your nature Von Stoyan. Out with it. You can't imagine how difficult I can make your life if you don't prove. Co-operative.

OTTO VON STOYAN

OK fine. It all started.

 

[JayJohn85]

Flashback to:

int. parent's house potsdamer platz berlin(1658)- day

(Affluent merchants house. Trading post after Thirty's Years War)

Otto's mother is sitting knitting. His father is beside the fire place on his favourite chair reading the local paper. Otto comes into this rather idyllic scene.

annabelle arendt-von stoyan

Welcome home dear. How did your trip to London go? Did you visit all the historical landmarks?

OTTO VON STOYAN

Of course I did mother. Quite the eye opener actually.

Father looks up from reading the paper. Sets down the paper and removes pipe from his mouth.

frederick von stoyan cont'd

That's good to hear son.


Nothing strange occur while you where over there?

OTTO VON STOYAN

No. What do you mean strange?

(looking rather nervous)

It was rather uneventful actually father. Nice city. Lovely people. You know just like any other city.

LLU LIMNU (V.O cont'd)

Frederick. Hello. You there? Frederick I'm speaking to you. Have some manners. Its your esteemed colleague.

Frederick goes somewhat starry eyed.

You are to send Otto to the hermetic order of ignotus. Located in the black forest. It is essential you do this.

FREDERICK VON STOYAN (V.O)

Why? What if I don't agree?

OTTO VON STOYAN

Father are you OK?

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

You and that lovely Jewish wife of yours will have.

(Slight in-take of breath)

Accidents.


The why is non-important. You don't need to know.


Frederick Be reasonable. Have I not gifted you with youthful exuberance? Haven't all your endeavours. Proven fruitful?

FREDERICK VON STOYAN (V.O)

If it must be so. Lord.

FREDERICK VON STOYAN

Nothing Otto just thinking.

OTTO VON STOYAN
Okay Papa. I need to use the latrine. Won't be long.

FREDERICK VON STOYAN

Honey can you come here a second?

ANNABELLE ARENDT-VON STOYAN

Yes dear.

Frederick Von Stoyan whispers into Annabelle's ear. She doesn't seem happy with the news.

ANNABELLE ARENDT-VON STOYAN

Your sending no son of mine. To a....To a Roman Catholic monastery! We both agreed we weren't going to impart neither of our religions on our offspring. That they could chose for themselves.

FREDERICK VON STOYAN

Honey. Be reasonable. The boy could do with a change of scenery. It will be good character building. We can send him to a synagogue after. OK?

ANNABELLE ARENDT-VON STOYAN

But he's just got back from London! A change of scenery? Character building? Don't be ridiculous Frederick!

At which point Otto walks back into the room.

otto von stoyan

Am I interrupting something.

Both in Unison

No dear/son. We where just discussing your future.

LLU LIMNU (V.O)

How the hell did you meet this woman Frederick? How the hell did I overlook something as significant as who your fucking wife would be? I am face palming right now. You just can't see me.

FREDERICK VON STOYAN (V.O)

Must you? Must you interrupt me at this critical time? Besides who I fall in love with and marry is none of your business.

LLU LIMNU (V.O)

Love? What. What the fuck is that? Nevermind I don't want to know.

OTTO VON STOYAN and his mother

Frederick? Frederick?

FREDERICK VON STOYAN

Yes. Yes. What your mother and I was saying.

Back to

INT. TEMPLE IGNOTUs hall- noon

OTTO VON STOYAN

And that's how it was. I told you it wasn't that interesting. You guys even know what I failed to mention to dear old paps and mum.

PINGUIS

I am deeply touched. Thank you Otto. Thank you for sharing. Sharing such a boring shit story with us. Time as you know is precious. You just stole about a hour of mine.

(Contemplation. Looks intently at Otto.)

Alright you sissy's back to work.

Otto, Benignus and Dedecus make their way out of the hall. Back to work.

OTTO VON STOYAN

He never seems to run out of names to call us.

benignus

Yea he's a creative genius alright.

Dedecus

Hurry he'll probably think of some punishment if we tarry too long. No one get's me at the cookie jar.

benignus

The humiliation and routine abuse of the other monks in the temple. It's his sole purpose. It's the reason he wakes every morning. Nay it's the reason why he draws breath. The man is a sadist.

 

[JayJohn85]

int/ext passage of time
Audience sees the passage of days. Otto's routine of ritual, Toil and breaking bread does not deviant. Many sunrises and sun-downs.

ext. Temple ignotus. fields- afternoon

On this fated day Otto. Benignus and Dedecus are harvesting crops. A seemingly normal day of drudgery and routine.

(At this point Otto's discontent has grown considerably)


Pinguis comes over to the group for his usual taunting session. However unlike other days the high prelate is with him. Raising the stakes somewhat considerably.

PINGUIS

Hello Earthworm Jim's. What divination can you make of the dirt today?

OTTO VON STOYAN

I am getting sick of that fat fuck.

(Mumbling)


benignus
Settle yourself. Lest we create a scene.

DEDECUS

Brother. This is a matter of honor. By all means make a scene. Plus. I can profit from such things. Stand your ground. Hold your head high! Honor and glory!

(Big grin)


OTTO VON STOYAN

How about you lend credence to our woes my friend?

PINGUIS

I ain't no friend of yours Von Stoyan. I'd sooner die than give you aid. You will find no succor here. Nancy boy.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Because we are drawing near my time of initiation. Oh joy. I'll forgive you this time. This time. Time is precious. You won't be so fortunate next time.

PINGUIS

Forgive me? It is I who does the forgiving Von Stoyan. And you know what. I do not like your tone. If you continue with such. Such insolence I believe I will have to re-educate you. Show you the error of your ways.


A exercise in pain.


high prelate percontor

Now. Now. Such drama is not necessary. We are all on the same side here. Isn't that right Von Stoyan?

(A second or two elapses.)

I'd hate to think one of us was not a team player. We are a team?

(Jekyll. Screams.)

Aren't we Von Stoyan!

PINGUIS

Be that as it may. I request the right to duel Von Stoyan. I feel he isn't showing me the respect I am due.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

(Hyde. Soft spoken. Polite)

I regret you feel the need to make such a request. We are all blood brothers here Pinguis. It pains me greatly. But if that's the way it has to be.

(Sigh)

Fate cannot be denied.

Looks at Pinguis for confirmation.

OTTO VON STOYAN

Yes I do.

At which point both monks square off circling each other. Other monks gather around Otto's friends and the high prelate.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Lets get ready to rumble!

Dedecus quickly makes his way through the crowd. Collecting bets. High prelate makes his way over to Dedecus. Benignus is not paying attention to any of this. But instead he is standing off to the side watching both Pinguis and Otto.

dedecus

Banzai place bets now!

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

On Pinguis the Re-educator. A tidy sum from my personal coffers.

DEDECUS

Absolutely.

(Whisper)

A wise choice your eminence. I've placed mine on him too.

DEDECUS
Get him Otto! Me and Benignus have got your back!

PINGUIS

I am going to try real hard. Not to enjoy this.

(Savage grin)

It is said to be an immortal sin. But what can I say. Today I'm proud to be a sinner!

(Quite a hairy individual.)


OTTO VON STOYAN

Bring it on furby.

At which point they both burst into old style boxing. Each squaring off and probing. A flurry of blows comes from both quarters. Both blocking. Attacking and harrying.

(Robes part somewhat. Sandals clearly visible.)

PINGUIS

A fine blow Von Stoyan but your going to have to do much better. Much. Much better.

(Returns to defensive stance. Bobbing back and fourth.)

I've defeated Stormscale professionals. You whelp!

OTTO VON STOYAN

You always talk this much? Fuck man we are fighting.

(A second to two elapses.)

One home made liposuction. Incoming. Gluttony my friend is a sin too.

Time slows down for a moment. As Otto delivers a flurry of blows. One of which connects with Pinguis jaw knocking out several teeth. He falls to the ground. The high prelate runs to him.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Get the fuck up! I have money on this! Here take these.

(Jekyll)

Hands him what seems to be three heavy bells. They are attached to a spiked chain.(Mordor style) Pinguis gets up and starts to swing them around like a maniac. It starts to rain.

(Literally friar tuck with nunchucks.)

BENIGnUS

He'll kill him! We must intervene. Dedecus!

DEDECUS

No. No we must let this play out. If we don't Otto will never forgive us.

Benignus

Are you crazy? Otto will soon be in no shape to forgive. Or harbor grudges.

DEDECUS

He is a man of honor. And men of honor do not run.

PINGUIS

For whom the bell tolls. Von Stoyan!

Otto runs towards Pinguis with uncanny fluid motion. He jumps, Ducks and side slides away from the unrelenting assault from the three bells.

He makes contact with Pinguis. Grabbing the arm that wields the unholy weapon. They are in a vice like lock. Pinguis starts head butting Otto.

OTTO VON STOYAN

You'll have to do better than that.

(Deeply confused.)

Man you are dumber than you look. Head butting me on the forehead? You with a bust lip? Are you stupid?


Return to sender you fat fuck!

Otto returns the favour but instead of connecting with his forehead. He attacks Pinguis at his weak point. His bust lip. The locks breaks. Otto veers off creating some space.

PINGUIS

I'll.....I'll kill you Von Stoyan.

(Just about coherent. Spitting blood and another tooth.)

Pinguis legs part. We clearly see his trunk like hairy legs as his robe has now parted somewhat. He re-positions his feet sumo style. Sandals and all. In his sumo pose it seems like he is drawing power up from the ground through his body. Otto is slowed while the audience see Pinguis take his stance.

PINGUIS

Von Stoyan!

(Screams.)

As Otto finally closes the distance. Pinguis executes a RYU style upper cut. Flying into the air. This connects. We hear the popping of the sound barrier. Otto flies backwards doing an aerial flip arms tucked in. Legs outwards straight. Both are airborne and descend at the same time. Otto slightly before Pinguis.

He lands in a secluded patch within the fields. Which just so happens to be the high prelate's favorite vegetable patch.

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR

Flawless victory!

OTTO VON STOYAN

Shit. I yield!

(Spitting soil from his mouth)

HIGH PRELATE PERCONTOR
You are lucky. Lucky. Otto Von Stoyan. Lucky I was wagering against your defeat. Because I won. I will overlook the serious shit you would have been in.

(Hyde soft spoken)

You imbecile! Now get out of my vegetable patch. Get out!

(Jekyll)

High prelate runs over

Its OK. Your safe. My babies it's Daddy. Everything is going to be OK.

(Soft spoken hyde. Soothing.)

 

[maildude]

One word: lithium

 

[JayJohn85]

EXT. HOUSE AT 1300 CARROLL AVENUE. LOS ANGELES(PRESENT)

Laundry van sits outside. It's clear to Milton, Manny, Eric and Simon. Sitting in their 2010 Chrysler town and country touring van. That the van is no laundry service but rather the Feds.

(Milton is parked down the street. At the intersection. The feds are parked up the other street near the house.)


manny

Boss. I believe that would be the feds. Movies man. Teach ya shit. Its unreal. You'd think these fucking suits would learn?

(Manny is wearing a suit that compliments Milton's)

MILTON KEYS

I trust your instincts Manny even if you are a complete idiot. Sometimes.

(Contemplation.)

Fucking Feds.


Outside my house. Like bacteria shitting in a petri dish. The sanctity of my home. Desecration. If anyone does the desecrating it will be me.


Why? Shit. What do you think they have on us?

eric

Erm did you not get the memo?

(In fishing gear. Hit man stlyle.)

Milton keys

Memo? What the fuck? What memo?

simon

The last major audit sir. Memo's where handed out to all our network both domestically and globally.

(Eamo)

MILTON KEYS

I am ready for illumination. Ach ah ah measure your words carefully. They are the fulcrum on which your life now rests.

(A second or two elapses.)

simon

Erm Err.

(Bit of nervous stuttering.)

Well it was. It was Seymore's job! Did he not inform you? He sent out a load of memo's. We all got one.

(Nervously)

You didn't get one?

MILTON KEYS

Seymore? Seymore? Fucking Seymore? Seymore?

(Screams last Seymore)

Where is that has bin? Don't. Don't tell me. We left that modem screwing moron. Back. Back in London?

manny

Boss. The Feds are only over there. I advise some discretion.

(Lets that sink in.)

I'm afraid so sir. We must have overlooked him.

At which point Milton looks at Manny. Disbelievingly.

 

[JayJohn85]

int. london underground- present(2011)

We see Seymore happily playing WOW. Totally oblivious to his surroundings. Oblivious to the pure carnage around him.

Seymore

It's because you all suck!

(Towards the computer screen. We hang in for a second or two. Deeper implication.)

back to:

EXT. HOUSE AT 1300 CARROLL AVENUE. LOS ANGELES(PRESENT)

MILTON KEYS

I can't believe this shit.

(Facepalm)

OK. The douche was probably raiding Ice Crown Citadel. Far too busy to include the likes of me in the memo. Its not like. Its not like I am running this fucking freakshow!

(Inhales-Exhales)

So what have the Feds got on me?

simon

The list is really rather extensive high prelate. Needless to say you really are quite popular in DC these days. Last we heard you where in the top ten.

MILTON KEYS

Really? Cool. There is always a up side. So. Can't you round it up or something? Come on. Give me the low down.

simon

Well the list attributed to you at present goes something like this:

(V.O)

Bigamy. Arson. Embezzlement. Fraud. Murder. Conspiracy. Theft. Vandalism to government property.

While Simon is listing some of his crimes. We hear it slowly fading out. As we are heading across the intersection towards the van. The van with the Feds in it.

int. fed van

Two Feds within the van. One in the back. He is in front of the surveillance screens and electronics. The other in the driver's seat. Open box of pizza. Sharing slices. Earphones on FED #1. They are half off.

fed #1

Man we've been here for days. I don't think he will be coming here.


Damn his missus is hot. But even watching this chick go about her daily routine is getting boring.

(Classical hot blonde.)


fed #2

We're here to do a job and that is what we will do. Its not all glitz and glamour. Filing paper work. Hours of boring surveillance and questioning of suspects.


All comes with the territory. You may get used to it.

Muscled young guy approaches the door and rings the door bell.

(Surf dude)

fed #1

Hold on. What's this? Some surf douche has just rung on her doorbell.

FED #2 jumps into the back of the van.

fed #2

Finally some action. I got a feeling.


This ain't no neighbourhood watchman loaded up with neighbourly concerns. Something nefarious is going down.

At which point Mrs Keys answers the door. She is smiling. Looking quite please to see our surf douchbag. She is wearing white wedding lingerie.

fed #1

Shit. Your right. Does this idiot even know who's wife. Who's wife that is? Man that dude is in some deep shit if only he knew it.

She admits the guy. He walks into the house. Past her holding the door open. She takes a look around the street then closes the door.

fed #2

I know we got the phone lines tapped. We got bugs in every room of her house. But man this merits a visual. We need to know what is going on in there.


Now!

FED #1

Don't worry we got another man on his way. Should be arriving soon. Oh wait there he is.

Another Fed arrives in a telephone repair vehicle. He gets out with his fake kit on. Ear phone in his ear.

FED #2

Excellent. The cover is perfect. Get him up that telephone pole now! We need visual feed ASAP.

Fed #3

In position. Sweet. Today is one of them days.

(A tad excited.)

Guys if you could see this shit. It's free pay for view. Fuck this chick should be a star.

FED #2

SITREP. SITREP! What did you say? Man get me some visuals now! This damn audio. It's like I bought a broken bootleg VHS video. Fucksake this isn't the 90s.

(Mild panic)

 

[JayJohn85]

EXT. house at 1300 carroll avenue. milton's van

simon

Prostitution rings.

(Looks up. Pauses)

There's more. Are you sure you want the whole list?

MILTON KEYS

Wait. What are them damn Feds up to? Their is now. Another one! On a fucking telephone pole? With binoculars?

(Looks like he is thinking)

Time to update the list lads! Dead federal agents. I should move up a position or two. Maybe pole position! Ha. ha.

(Everyone else joins in.)

Shut the fuck up! OK. Manny!

manny

Present and accounted for. Boss hog!

MILTON KEYS cont'd

Yea. Yea. Whatever. You take Eric with you. I don't think your identities are compromised yet.


Hmm surprising I was not flagged at the airpoint. With my fake passport. Slackers. Fuck it.

(A second or two elapses. Moment of nostalgia.)

You may not be my original brat pack.

CUT TO:

ext. Bear's lair brew pub. Berkeley. ca. (1985)

Sunny. Outside in the beer garden. Milton and his crew are seated. The Dead Kennedy's- I fought the law playing as we come into the scene. The focus shifts to the party.

(Pitcher full of brew on the table. Four pints. Some half full. Others nearly depleted.)

Short montage showing others at other tables. Everyone drinking, socializing and enjoying themselves. Setting the scene.

MILTON KEYS

This damn book is fucking fake. Simon's necronomicon? Necro fucking what? How am I to start my foray into the occult if there's nothing serious out there?

Mark

I hear ya buddy. It's all up the left. Well actually I wish it was. That douche Reagan in. I thought this place wouldn't be so....So fucking conservative.


Homeless people everywhere and building restrictions. Fuck he has problems but I feel he'll only add to them.

(Computers is his field. Typical geek attire.)

Spud

Milton you really should have done classical civilizations. Especially in regards to all this shit your so into now. It would set you on the path. The right track so to speak.

(Pretty much a punk.)


MILTON KEYS

You may be right Spud. But antiquated shit doesn't really interest me. I do enough of that crap in English literature. Like I give a monkey's turd. About some dead guys opinion.

Mickey

Shit. On the subject of douchery. Why did I choose engineering again?


Follow my heart. What a crock of shit.

spencer

Mark let's not talk politics. Boring! However on a more positive topic. I want to inform you all.


Mickey's fucked. My day is now complete. Ha Ha.

High five's Milton.

mickey

Spencer. If I wanted a opinion from a book humper. Worse a necro book humper. Latin? Its a fucking dead language! Hey I can read books no one fucking writes anymore! I rock.

MILTON

Mickey's right though. I am doing English. What the fuck? I don't want to teach or write shit. I'm more into the bastardization of the language.


Give me a nice fresh wall and a spray can. I'll work magic.

At which point Susan and her friends go past. Typical hot. Hotties. She is a classical blonde beauty.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Well fuck a duck. You see that bitch Susan. I'm going to get in her knickers. Might even try them on. Who knows. Luigi ain't got shit on this Mario.

spencer

Dude. That chick is rumoured to have done the whole football squad. Your talking big fucking line backers here. You really don't want her!

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

I enjoy a challenge. Besides why would you want some chaste virginal thing.

(Yawn)

She'd be freaking out and shit. Your looking at Kink Kong here.


And you know Spencer. It's probably not true.


I can only hope it is.

At which point another group of guys come over to Milton's table.

quintus

Milton! My home dog. Did you read that book I gave you? Unfortunately I need it back. Budgets constraints. You do understand?

MILTON KEYS

Erm. Oh yea. Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health.

quintus

The very one!

MILTON KEYS

Sorry man. My bad. I used it to roll up some joints. Me and the lads here ran outta paper one night. Real bumer.

steve

What the fuck? I needed that book you prick.

ronny

Quintus. Steve. This punk has no respect.

harvey

This cannot stand.

MILTON KEYS

No need to get so worked up. Harvey is it? Don't sweat. I'll give Ronny and Quintus there. A nice set of coloring crayons and paper. A4 for sure! They should have it transcribed by the end of the week. FTW.

Points at Ronny accusingly.

spud

Ouch burned. Oh golly we're going to have a "classical" good old fashioned show down.

spencer

I don't think OK corral is gonna have shit on this. More like the Alamo.

At which point chairs rapidly slide back. Milton and his crew get to their feet.

MILTON KEYS

Fuck. You scientology freaks are some cats. Coming from me. That really is bad. Far from being a compliment.


You know I actually bothered to read that drivel. And you know what Quinty. A few points. One. There's nothing wrong with me. Two. You really shouldn't have come over to me and my boys.


It's Time to eat some floor.


quintus

How dare you spit on the proponents of his divine will. May Lafayette R. Hubbard grant me strength.

ronny

I'm going to beat you Keys. Open you right up. Heh Heh.

At which point. "Fringe Fight 3. 2. 1. Execute!" appears on the audience screen like a video game. The whole beer garden erupts into a fully fledged brawl. Between the two groups. Others at the other tables look on. They decide that perhaps it would be wise to pull their tables back. They move back themshelves creating space.

QUINTUS

I'm going to beat you to a pulp with my personal copy! It's a journey. Don't fuckin' stop believin'

Quintus pulls out a seriously thick and dangerous looking book. It clearly says on the book cover "I'm not psycho. Its plain Dianetics for Dummies" He starts to swing it around in a 360 degree arc like a spinning top. Cleaving opponents and ally alike. Chairs fly and tables overturn in his relentless tornado. Slow-motioned.

quintus

Thetan titan power! Die bitches die!

MILTON KEYS

Initiate a tactical withdrawel! We must flank this son of a bitch.

Milton runs back to the corner of the beer garden.

MILTON KEYS

To me my brothers! We must re-form the ranks!

Milton's gang gather around him. Quintus stops his swirling tornado of destruction. His allies are on the floor. They shake it off and get back up to his side.

Spencer

Milton we must get his book! He's drawing his power from it!

spud

I agree with Spencer on this!

MILTON KEYS

Back into the fray my brothers. Attack! We shall hold sway here!

Milton's gang charge into Quintus gang. Many blows and maritial moves are exchanged demonstrating the maritial prowess of Milton's crew and Quintus's crew.

(Charge. Rather gangs of new york like.)

Both groups are at it furiously. No holds barred. It could go either way. At which point a drunken patron among the on lookers.

Drunken patron #1

Is this a private function or can anyone join?

Mark has broken off from his opponent at this stage. His opponent lying sprawled on their table knocked out. He decks the Patron in confusion.

QUINTUS

I will whip the first of you that retreats? No surrender. No prisoners. No conventions. No questions asked!

The Patron falls into the second table of on-lookers. Unfortunately for him he gets decked again. He falls back to his table pushing into people. The catalyst. The whole room erupts into a complete free for all.

EXT. house at 1300 carroll avenue. milton's van

MILTON KEYS cont'd

Shit. I miss my old crowd. Good times.

(Musing to himself.)

Take care of the Feds in the van. Do so quietly. You hear me Manny? Fucking quietly. So put suppressors on them damn pea shooters you love so much.

Milton regards outside. The Fed van and then stares at the dude on the telephone pole.

MILTON KEYS

Hm that Fed on the telephone pole. Is a problem. Think! you baffoons.


Must I do everything? How do we snuff that candle.


Extinguish his light.


He's up a fucking telephone pole?

simon

I could probably snipe him from here with a present I got from a dissident republican I know.

MILTON KEYS

Dissident what? Fuck. Do it! OK go. Go. Go. Manny and Eric you go take care of the Feds in the van. Simon get your shit. Where is it stored?

simon

Its in the trunk. We partitioned originally for a plasma tv.



MILTON KEYS

What?


Morons! OK! Set up once you've seen Manny and Eric reach the van. Make it fast. Take out that douche on the pole shortly after they whack the guys in the van.


That way we won't have any back up calls. Do you understand? Are we all clear here? I hate fucking repeating myself.

assembled cultists

For sure. Crystal. Crystal clear.

MILTON KEYS

Excellent. Go. Go. Go. Fucking go.

 

[JayJohn85]

EXT. outside of the street

Menacing music. Manny and Eric get out of their car. Entire scene slowed down. They slowly make their way towards the van.

(Street is deserted.)

Simon gets out of the van just as Manny and Eric are halfway to their objective. He makes his way to the trunk.

Opens it. Takes out a black case. Manny and Eric have reached the van. They pull the side door open. Two Fed's glued to surveillance equipment. They turn around somewhat shocked. Outside Simon is in process of assembling his sniper rifle. Takes place behind the van.

Manny pulls out twin desert eagles. Erics pulls out a hand gun. Both affixed with suppressors.

(They did so in the van.)

Two Feds are shot. Simon get's into the back of the van. To the audience this will look like it's synchronized. Mix of shots. Takes place on the cornor.

They look solemnly at each other. Black tinted window slides down. Out comes sniper rifle with suppressor.

(Ridiculously large.)

He takes out the Fed on the telephone pole. He falls dramatically to the street. Suddenly and violently. Pace of the scene returns to slow motion.

Manny retrieve's his body. Eric looks on. Manny drags him to the surveillance truck where they both throw him inside. They close the side door. Look at each other. Then they return to the van. No dialogue.

(Entire scene reminiscent of assault on precinct 13)

ext. house at 1300 carroll avenue front doorway

MILTON KEYS

Excellent. OK. We've got to move fast. Hm been quite some time since I last saw the missus.

(Contemplation.)

Better allow me some time lads. Won't be too long I imagine. You grab the shit.

The "guys" pile out of the van. Rather haphazardly. They make their way up to the door of 1300 Carroll avenue.

manny

Nice pad. Must have cost a mint.

MILTON KEYS

As you well know I am not without. Without resources.


Switzerland is a most enlightened country. They never ask questions.


Let's surprise her. It is my house after all. Why should I ring the door bell. That's just preposterous.

All four of them trudge into the hallway. It is evident that something is going on upstairs. Their is a radio on in the kitchen. They can hear the low music playing Billy Idol- White Wedding.

MILTON KEYS

What the fuck? Am I hearing things? Shit the smell of sex is in the air.


It sure as hell ain't me. I ain't cooking in that kitchen tonight.

The others just look at him not sure. Not sure what they should say.

MILTON KEYS

Upstairs you fools. Quiet. Quietly. I want to catch them with their pants down.


Literally.

They sneak upstairs highly exaggerated. Some creaks cause some to pause nervously. Once all four are on the stairs they burst into a sneak. Half sneaking. Half thriller dance.

(The stairs are quite extensive. Winders in the middle where the stairs turn. Another row. Side by side in the middle.)

MILTON KEYS

(Whispers)

Quiet. Quiet!

billy idol (V.O)

"There is nothing fair in this world. There is nothing safe in this world. And there's nothing sure in this world. And there's nothing pure in this world. Look for something left in this world. Start again. Come on. Its a nice day for a white wedding"

They make it to the landing. They survey their surroundings. Then proceed to continue exaggerated sneaking over the landing. Back and fourth in a type of dance. They look at each other and shoulder swipe side to side. Continue moving onwards to the master bedroom. At this point the noise is quite loud.



MILTON KEYS

Shit. She wasn't this vocal with me.

They burst into the room. Only to be greeted with the sight of the muscly surf guy doing Milton's wife doggy style. Her head is up at the head board and the surf guys back is turned to the guys. At first they don't notice all the commotion.

Susan keys

Fuck me you pussy. Fuck me harder. Come on. What you waiting for. Give it to me!

(White lingerie. Whats left of it on her. Obfuscated by surf dude mostly.)


manny

Damn boss. You wife is definitely a player. Damn fine ta boot.

MILTON KEYS

Shut up.

(They stop having sex and look around.)

Surprise! I guess it's a tad late to say.

(Stares. Now a bit manic.)

Honey I'm home. Look I brought all the gang!

susan keys

Milton! You. You could have called.


This isn't what it looks like. I can explain.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Gee I dunno. Looks like a fucking.

(Pauses somewhat in thought.)

A fucking spit roast!


Ok I exaggerate. But if Manny joined in. It would be!

At which point the surf guys rolls off the bed. In quite the hurry. Starts putting on clothes. What he can't get on fast he grabs to carry with him. Eric and Simon look on solemnly.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Yo Casanova! Where do you think you be headed?


I'm desperate.

(Lets that sink in much to the Surf guy's confusion.)

In dire need to clarify a few things.

Surf dude

Yo man I didn't know. OK? So kindly get the fuck out of my way.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Roid rage!


I'm terrified. Isn't this exciting? I could cut the suspense pie. With a blunt butter knife.


What could happen next? Who knows. Do you? Well do you Roid boy?

(Lets that sink in.)

Unfortunately life isn't scripted. We don't get it so easily.

(Even more manic)

Manny. Show this young man the light. Some illumination on the subject would be. Would be deeply appreciated. Testify my brother!


Make it interesting. Make it irrefutable.

At which point Manny pulls out both his pistols. He looks at the side of them. Decides "rectifier" is ideal. He proceeds to shoot surf guy. At which point dear Susan starts to panic and scream.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Don't you just love guns? I mean the idea that you pull a trigger.


Things go away. Its like pressing a button to solve. Problems! If only everything else was. Was so beautifully simplistic.


Shush Susan. My dear it's OK. I understand.


I wasn't there for you. You got lonely.


I have been. Neglectful. Can you ever forgive me? I can hardly forgive myself.

susan keys

Milton. Where the hell were you? I've been here alone for monthes while you where away doing god knows what.

(Lets that sink in.)

Do you fucking know what that is like? Not knowing weather you where alive or dead? Being lonely and afraid?

(Defense. Offense. Empathic appeal.)


MILTON KEYS CONT'D

To be honest. No. But. A fucking surf douche? This is the best you could do? A fucking Roid boy? Frankly I am insulted.

Turns to squad. They nod back in acknowledgment.

Susan keys

What are you going to do? Milton? You wouldn't? I'm your wife!

milton keys CONT'D

Of course not my dear. But I do want a divorce. Fuck I hate bureaucracy don't you? We need something more immediate.


Alimony this. Alimony that. You can have the cat. I take the dog. Halfers on the housey. The kids love me more than you.


And on and on the merry go round'. So. So. So something. Ah I know. So fucking tedious!

Susan keys

We don't have any kids Milton!

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

A good thing too. I'd have to DNA test every fucking one of them. Then kidnap them. At this critical time it'd be a serious inconvenience.


Darling we really should be in Paris for this.

(Sigh)

Manny.

Susan keys

Milton! Milton you said you wouldn't. You said you wouldn't.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

But my dear. It isn't me.

Manny shoots her.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Guys clean this up. I got to find my books. Maybe a new wife if I have time. Good thing this crap isn't astrologically dependant or we'd be royally fucked right now. Stupid bear skin humping Mayans. Only thing they got right was the blood.

 

[JayJohn85]

ext. Prinz-Albrecht-Straße SS-Führungshauptamt 1944

(Gestapo headquarters. Oppressive looking stone building.)


We the audience see the building as we are coming up the street.

INT. PRINZ-ALBRECHT-STRAßE SS-FÜHRUNGSHAUPTAMT 1944

Karl Von Stoyan sits at his desk. Looking through various documents. Letting out the odd resigned sigh. The war isn't going well.

(Typical non-descript Gestapo attire. Black. He's a departmental head for internal intelligence. Handler of many "assets")


LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Yo! Karl. It is your old buddy. All them promotions in the Third Reich. Climbing that ladder!. Hoes, Prestige and loot.



Time's up. The orchard has dried up and died. No more apples I'm afraid! Your credit line has just expired.



Karl goes all starry eyed. His head turns to take in the room. It appears he is not in full control of his faculties.

Shit. This place even gives me the creeps. So plain. So spartan.


Plus. Your Fuhrer is a ignorant fool. All the iconography is mixed up. Your doing it all wrong!

(Implied contemplation.)

Anyway to the business at hand. One of your. One of your assets is on the way here. When she gets here you will have sexual relations. Have sex with her.

Karl von stoyan

Why do you want me to have sexual relations with one of my assets?

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Questions. Questions. I'll level with you Karl old boy. Very uncharacteristic of me but hey you haven't got long left on this ball of mud.

karl von stoyan

What do you mean I haven't got long left?

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Man. Don't be stupid. You know the war isn't going well for you prissy boys. In fact its about to get real FUBAR. Real soon.


Words. They soil my mouth. Well they would if I was actually present. Let me just show you.

cut to:

ext. PRINZ-ALBRECHT-STRAßE SS-FÜHRUNGSHAUPTAMT 1945

Music accompanies the cologne of scenes. Allied bombers bomb the street and all the buildings. Pretty much demolishing it all.

ext. invasion of berlin 1945

We see General Patton at his command tent arguing on a walkie talkie with his Russian counterpart.

General patton

Berlin is ours! You stinking red. Even if I have come down there. Personally! and wring your neck!

Russian general

Net comrade. We'll get their before you. It is inevitable. Berlin will fall into soviet hands. For glorious people's revolution.

general patton

Don't you comrade me. I ain't your comrade. We'll meet you halfway. You hear. You Communist dog. I am coming down there!

Hangs up rudely at that point. Starts screaming orders.

ext. Map of europe 1945

Map of Europe. Arrows and icons of tanks and planes etc. Showing the allied push and soviet push from their respective locations. "Liberty's reach" in regards to the allies. Pushing from Normandy and up through Italy. (Flags included) "Soviet Steam Roll" in regards to Russia.

EXT. INVASION OF BERLIN 1945

Russian soldiers locked in a offensive. Pillaging. Looting. We see some trying to use the tops of water taps. They push them into walls and are generally very confused as to why water does not come out.

Russian soldier

Net. Net. Where is the water? I am dying of thirst here? Gerry fucking magic!

At the other side we see yanks and other allied divisions locked in battle with Germans.

Up at Patton's command post. We see him in a deck chair issuing air strikes.

GENERAL PATTON

Get some air support out there now! I'd piss oil. Shit ammo. And talk fire power. If I thought it'd do any good!

INT. hitler's bunker 1945

Various people assembled around like in "last days"

The fuhrer

How the fuck did this happen? It's all your fault! Shit. If that ll douche bag only did his. Did his fucking job!

(Roaring at everyone present)

Nothing for it. We got to take the cyanide pills. For the glory of the Third Reich these dogs won't take me alive!


Get out! Get the fuck out I need to be alone.

(Subtitled.)


His assembled generals go silent. Women crying in the corridor.

 

[JayJohn85]

INT. PRINZ-ALBRECHT-STRAßE SS-FÜHRUNGSHAUPTAMT 1944

During this scene the screen is split. On the left we see the room with Karl Von Stoyan engaged in a conversation within his head. On the right is another screen showing an attractive blonde woman getting off a train. Making her way towards the gestapo headquarters.

Karl von stoyan

That still doesn't answer my question. You've only told me when I will meet my demise.

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Right you are! Right you are Karl. I forgot how bright you where.


How can I put this? Where the fuck is your heir?


All them hours spent in every. Every joy division in Berlin. You haven't produced any offspring? I'm surprised the Fuhrer hasn't found out. Doesn't that fulfill? Involuntary euthanasia criteria. I'd say it ticks some boxes.


Something you want to share with good old uncle llu limnu.


I feel its time for some intervention. You will mate with this woman. You will use your position of power irresponsibly to inform. Inform her that she really has no choice in this matter.

karl von stoyan

Why one of my assets? Why not a nice German girl from one of our houses?

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Because. Because I fucking said so. And. Because I've got a real sick sense of humor. Ha Ha Ha. Irony. Don't worry Karl you will recognize her when you see her. She is classically beautiful. I'll see to it she bears a healthy son. Of course she will be giving him up for adoption. I'll influence events.


She is ill fated as well. Ahh star crossed lovers. Love it. Love it.

At which point Stella Kubler walks into his office. She is a "catcher". Karl is her handler.

(Informs on other Jews in hiding or under false aliases.)


karl von stoyan

Hello Stella. How are ve today? Nice day outside?

stella kubler

Same as any other day. I am OK.

karl von stoyan

Good. We wouldn't want things. We wouldn't want things to not be. OK.


So what have you got to report?

stella kubler

Unfortunately. I...I have nothing to report this month. Either we have discovered all of them in Berlin or they have gone to ground.

karl von stoyan

Stella. Stella. What am I to do.

(Dissapointed.)

Quota's my dear. The Fuhrer in his magnificence does not like when quota's are not met.

(A second or two elapses.)

Efficiency my dear. The Third Reich is runned like a well oiled grandfather clock.


People. People Stella. Certain people would be upset. Very upset if they thought results weren't being produced.


But! They don't have to know about such things. Naturally if I was putting my neck out. You'd have to do something for me.


Stella. I'd be taking huge risks. You understand my dear?

stella kubler

What could I possibly do for you? I've already told you I have no information for you this month.

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Come on Karl! Show me how it's done. Come on lad! Knock her out.

(A second or two elapses.)

Err not literally. Well. Actually that could work!

karl von stoyan

You know what I want Stella. You've always known. Come on. You fucking slut. You know you want to.

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

Another one bites the dust! Oh yea slam dunk the funk!

STELLA KUBLER

I've got no choice. Do I? Not here. Not here. Somewhere else. A hotel room. Anywhere but here.

KARL VON STOYAN

OK. But I will be calling on you this evening. Be there or the next time we lay eyes on each other. It won't be a social visitation.

 

[JayJohn85]

black forest germany hermetic order of ignotus(1659)

We come upon the monastery it's night. We go inside down the corridors. The place is eerily quiet.

int. otto's quarters/cell- night

Otto lies on the bed. He has a black eye. He is tossing and turning in middle of what appears to be a dream. We once again see the spartan room. Straw on the floor as bedding. A rat runs into a corner. Into the wall just as Otto turns again. There is a full moon refracting through the window. It is providing the limited light. There is a ominous tint of red upon it.

We see what he is dreaming. He is going over in his head the moment when Pinguis RYU uppercuts him. While this goes on. The constant replaying of the uppercut. Only he's saying "Nooooooooo"

LLU LIMNU (V.O CONT'D)

You pussy. Stop replaying this abysmal failure in your head.

You want revenge?

In the garden. The high prelate's favorite vegetable patch. There is Laburnum.

A yellow flower he likes. It grows on a tree just on the edge of the patch.

Go retrieve it. Then proceed to the kitchen. Within. Lies a mortar and pestle. Crush the pods and seeds.

Then break into his wine cellar. His High holiness always gets up for his night cap. The imbecile can't sleep without it. Empty out a bottle into some cups.

Stir it in then refill the bottle.Hey presto one dead imbecile.

Don't worry I will take care of Pinguis.

int. order of ignotus- hallway.

Pinguis is doing his usual patrol of the hallways. Dark dimly lit hallways. He hears a noise.

PINGUIS CONT'D

Hello. Anyone there? Hello?

He hears even more noise. Starts to look around nervously.

PINGUIS CONT'D

I said is anyone there? Von Stoyan if that's you. Your going to die.

Hello. Hello?

At which point he breaks into a run down the corridor. The noise has increased. It starts to follow him down the corner. Lights flicker and telekinetic energy is rippling in the air.

He is grabbed. He falls down. The thing seems to have some trouble moving him as he is squirming on the floor. One very fat guy. It moves him a bit backwards then kind of gives out. It starts dragging him after a couple of seconds with renewed vigor. We reach a corner Pinguis starts grabbing the edges in a panic. Before that he was clawing at the ground. Very reminscent of paranormal activity.

PINGUIS

What the fuck?

LLU LIMNU cont'd

Damn man your fucking heavy. Stop squirming I am only trying to kill you.

PINGUIS

(Screaming his head off)

At which point is head is banged off the ground a few times until he is unconscious.

LLU LIMNU

Much better.

Dragged around the cornor.

int. hall. temple ignotus- Day

Most of the order is present in the main hall. Preparing the morning ritual. At which point Benignus hurries into the hall. He appears to be in a panic.

Benignus

Pinguis! The high prelate. Both are dead!

assembled monks

Gasps. (Some in denial.)

A few monks even go so far as to break down and cry. One starts wailing. Ripping his hair out.

The audience spot Otto. It appears he was already situated amongst the monks. Right in the middle of the grieving trio.

dedecus

What you mean they are dead? People just don't die!

benignus

I. I found Pinguis. I found him in the larder.

It looks like he has been stabbed numerous times. As for the high prelate. He's just lying in his bed. Dead as a door nail.

Veritas

We must assume it is connected. Fellow devotee's the stench of foul play is afoot within these walls.

(Seems like oldest and most senior monk after the high prelate.)

We must get to the bottom of this matter. With haste. A successor must be chosen. But we can't in this climate. Not yet.

Raises his voice.

Inter arma enim silent leges. For among times of arms. The laws fall mute.

Walks up behind the altar of the sun. He pushes what appears to be a very big ornate stone like button. At which point we hear the sound of clock-like gears kicking into action.

The grieving trio abruptly stop their over the top grieving. They along with the rest of the monks look around in panic. As it becomes evident the main doors have been blocked by a cast iron cage like gate.

The entie room erupts into an full blown argument. Accusations, Insults and old grievances are hurled around the room. Like a dodge ball.

veritas

The monastery! Is now under complete and total lockdown. You check in but you don't check out.

At which point Dedecus whispers to Benignus.

dedecus

Pesk! What you reckon the odds are. Five to one? One in five eh?

benignus

You can't be seriously thinking of running a pool at a time like this!

dedecus

Hey man. Don't give me that shit. Never miss a genuine opportunity. We could still get out of this alive. You just never know.

veritas

It's time to get to the bottom of this trajedy.

Otto von stoyan

Hold your horses! Keep your fork tongue behind your lips!

There's going to be some changes around here.

Otto Von Stoyan makes his way up to the altar. He pushes Veritas to the side.

otto von stoyan

Brothers! Long have we suffered under the heel of that fat fuck Pinguis. Can you honestly say? You will miss his passing? Have we not all felt the verbal and physical edge of his twin whips. Nay. The twin snakes.

Rations. Ritual and toil. His holiness content in his complacency. And why not? Wine. Tribute and riches. Even pleasures of the flesh!

It was only the other night. My eyes. My very own eyes. Beheld. Women. Women! My brothers. Women.

I dared not. Trust my senses. Surely! Surely I had to seek confirmation. Nothing else mattered.

Needless to say. It's highly possible his eminence passed beyond the twilight vale. Engaged in strainous activities. Of which I have no doubt. We must not dwell. My brothers.

Pinguis. That engine of hate.


My time amongst you. I've grown to feel responsible for each and every one of you.

I cherish this time I share with such esteemed company. How could I? How could I willingly allow such travesty. Such travesty to continue unabated. No. My brothers. Pinguis had to meet his maker.

The harmony of our fellowship. The very cohesion of the collective whole. Demanded. No. Commanded. I take action.

otto von stoyan (V.O)

I need some intervention here. My coup de grace. You hear me. llu limnu? I dunno. A nimbus of light or something.

Let's end this fiasco. Such effrontery. It was fated. I've been having visions my brothers. Let's not play cluedo.

(Suddenly even more animated.)

Chose me! Chose me to be your high prelate. I've got the compass! I know the way. Directions are on me. The golden path is paved with unity of purpose!

At which point Otto seems to glow with a nimbus of light.

Bask in the radiance! Clarity of purpose. One with the sun. His prodigal son has returned. Will you let me in? Will you let the light shine? Shine within your hearts and in your eyes. I am the great illuminator! From hence fourth you will address me. Address me as LL Illustro!

Entire room erupts into cheers and applause. The grieving trio run up to the altar. They lift LL Illustro up. More monks join to help.

Veritas steps to one side looking disappointed and annoyed. The monks start throwing LL Illustro up and down.

high prelate ill illustro

Changes are on the wind my friends.

 

[JayJohn85]

int. Three Sisters (Oregon)"Faith" cave lair. new year's eve (2011)

(Secluded cave embedded into "Faith" mountain side.)


We see the three sister's. Zooms into the north sister known as "Faith". Secluded cave lair. Milton is once again replicating the seven deadly sins albeit in a different format this time.

MILTON KEYS

Manny. Manny. You've really out done yourself this time! How? How the fuck did you get us a pad like this?

Looks around. Pretty much a cave. Some Buffalo drawings on the wall. Clearly Indian involvement or prior ancestors.

manny

A dude I know up at warm springs. I play the occasional game of poker, Get pissed with. You know. Usual story. Show me this place one night we both got steam boated!

MILTON KEYS

Remind me to send a letter of appreciation!

Clasps hands together.

OK get the crew in!

At which point various cultists come in donning red cultist garb. Some have stag heads with antlers. Others have beer helmets with straws on. With them they bring green wooden boxes with white army stars on them. Victims are with them as well. Duct tape on their mouths. Hands tied. They also drop down an antiquated ghetto blaster.

simon

Get this show on the road. Come on. Come on people. We're on the clock here.

Motions at watch

MILTON KEYS

What the fuck? Some of these punks are violating dress code!

eric

Er. Boss. I thought this was an individualist movement? You said when I joined we would be able to do whatever we wanted. Laws onto ourselves. You said. Work hard. Party hard. Violation of the very laws of the universe! Fire. Brimstone. Space. Time. Continuum and all that shit.

MILTON KEYS

Yes. Yes. Eric. We're doing all that. Can't you see? But this. This is no fucking banana republic. This is no fucking democracy. It's non-negotiable. Set in stone for Christ-sake. Either adhere to dress code or someone is going to get wasted!

At which point. Antlers and beer hats suddenly and conveniently disappear.

Also. No one better have cooler tattoo's than me. You hear me? Woe to the man. Or woman. That has the gall to have more fashion savvy than myself.

(A second elapses.)

Most cultist cover up their arms. Milton randomly shoots one to emphasize his point.

Vae fucking victis! Right. Go. Go. I want this place set up! We've got esteemed company coming! Oh yea. Get them M16s.

Cultists drop down some polythene. They then drop a canvas on top of this. Upon which they start frantically drawing a celestial pentagram. Others start drawing six runes at the six points. Another two draw the final runes at the two sides.

(Ornate candles. Musky toomes. A book called "I'm not pyscho, Dianetics for dummies. The original borrowed copy.)

The screens splits. Cultist laying the initial ground work. Others start defacing the ancient buffalo drawings with occult graffitti.

Two cultists start cracking open the green wooden boxes with white army star's on them. A nice tidy collection of RPG's. M16s. Grenades and ammunition.

MILTON KEYS

OK! No interruptions this time. No fucking trains!

Motions to two cultists who take up positions near the cave mouth.

We've got a lovely collection of screamers, Poppers and enders. Fun for the entire Kru. Remember the three K's. I mean remember KKND is the policy.

Two cultists

Krush. Kill. And Destroy!

MILTON KEYS

I don't want to see even one Japanese tourist come round' that cornor! World fucking war two. Right now in this room. Prepare to repel with extreme prejudice!

simon

We're ready!

milton keys cont'd

Position the victims. Man this is all so prophetic! Time to get the show started. The new year be upon us. Let that curtain fall. I love the drama. Chop. Chop.

Hand motions.

First rune. Anger

Manny you got your custom cactus bat?

manny

Yep. I've also done my warm up's. Reduces the risk of injury boss.

milton keys

Well not to him!

Points.

Never do something the same way twice folks! Stagnation isn't hip. It's not cool. No panache.

Manny. You may proceed to beat the traffic warden now. Try not to get a hernia.

muffled victims

Muffled screams.

milton keys

Last ticket you'll ever issue.

(A second or two elapses.)

Beethoven failed to illicit such a stirring. A stirring of feeling. Talk about a wellspring.

Bittersweet symphanies of carnal carnage and destruction. They always get me.

Bites hand.

Excuse me. A moment. Fuck. I'm a emotional wreck.

Second rune. Greed. As Milton's attention shifts(reluctantly) We see Seymore in the process of undressing a prostitute. Another prostitute joins the fray. She also starts to undress.

milton keys

We kinda owed him after that. That fucking London fiasco.

Third rune. Sloth. Two bums beating the crap out of each other.

milton keys

I'm a big fan of societal contributions.

Come on Maximus! What a blow out. Crap there's goes my benjamins.

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

I gave him that name. I had such high hopes for him. What a hog wash.

Fourth rune. Pride. We see a guy sitting on a chair reading out loudly. Spot the dog. A children's book. Gathered in front of him. A small group of cultists. They are throwing eggs and other assorted vegetables.

MILTON KEYS CONT'D

Eric. Eggs please.

Eric comes up to Milton's side with a packet of eggs.

Much obliged.

Eric nods. Milton starts hurling eggs ferociously. A few even miss and hit his fellow cultists. Such is his ethusiasm.

Fucking creativity eating intellectual charlatans!


Look guys. It's me doing the sinning!

Fifth rune. Lust. Another pornstar.

MILTON KEYS

I'm hoping I can keep this one!

Sixth rune. Envy. We see Quintis tied to a chair.

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

These fools went legit and became bigger than me!


Damn it sure was hard finding this guy. Never mind the actual abduction. Fucking creep was surrounded by a. A fucking veritable army of nerd Assassins. In his damn board room no less. Did I say board room. I meant fucking fort knox.

MILTON KEYS

Hello. Hey. Quintis. Been a long time. What? What was that? Sorry man I must be going deaf. I..I can't. I can't hear you!

Woah. Slow down. Don't speak with your mouth full. Jesus it's like old times. So animated.

Anyway. I brought you here so I could return....Your book yes. Don't you just hate over dues?

Here it is. I thought you should have it. Before I kill you. See(Pulls out gun) I am not a unreasonable person.

At which point Milton shoots Quintis.

Seventh rune. Gluttony. Here we have a wealthy philantropist strapped to a hospital bed. It is elevated hannibal lecter style. He's getting tickled by two cultists wielding feathers.

Philantropist

Please. Please. Stop. Stop. Please. I can't. I can't take it.

MILTON KEYS (V.O CONT'D)

How dare he amass such wealth. Who's laughing now.

Once again the screen splits showing the activities. Left screen showing Milton looking on with glee.

LLU LIMNU (V.O)

Oh goody. I'm like a giddy school boy on his first day! Elvis is about to enter the building. Yea baby!

It's time to live up to your name sake Milton boyo! Open the fucking door.

At which point a void appears in the center of the celestial pentagram. A void of the darkest, deepest black. Surrounding it are the tinges of physco kinetic energy. They sizzle and buzz like a tesla coil. People's hair stands up. The ball expands.

MILTON KEYS

Ah. Shit. This might not have been a good idea.

The ball stops expanding much to the general relief of the willing participants. The non-willing have little choice.

Finally! llu limnu crosses the planes of reality to grace us with his? presence.

(Appears to be demonette. Succubus in nature. Winged. Rather kinky and sexual looking.)


MILTON KEYS

What? I thought you would be. Well I thought you would be more. To be frank. Male.

LLU LIMNU

No need to get your panties in a twist pandora. Well. Actually. Armageddon might threaten the composure of even the best of us.

Pointless in fretting though. Get with the program. Time for a victory dance!

At which point the cultists. Milton and his main "Kru" line up side by side. With llu limnu. The ghetto blaster kicks in. R.E.M- It's End Of The World.

They start to Can-can kicking legs up. Side to side. Fed #2 comes in off screen. Pulling his jacket open to show his badge. Then pulling the other side of his jacket in tune to the rhythm. Going side to side. Swaying kicking legs out.

Otto, Pinguis and the monastery run in and start break dancing in front of them. The center piece of this is Otto Von Stoyan head spinning.

Upon this Karl Von Stoyan comes in goose stepping dragging Stella with him. His free arm in the air saluting the fuhrer.

Surf guy and Susan come in arm in arm and join the ranks of the Can-can.

Credits roll.

 

[JayJohn85]

Damn I feel much better now lol.